King Don's Christmas

My wife brought her old copy of A.A. Milne’s book Now We Are Six to our granddaughter just turned six. The title poem itself is quite short, so after reading it, began to look at some other selections. Turns out that the book is a treasure-trove of poetry that trips off the tongue and fills the ears of the young ones with musical language, vibrant images and short little stories worthy of their fertile imagination. I was particularly struck by a little masterpiece called King John’s Christmas and couldn’t resist my hand at making it more contemporary. Below is the first draft.

Note: In 2000, when the Internet was new and clunky, I wrote a parody on the Grinch regarding Bush’s election and it went viral. But my name became unattached to it and I had distant friends sending it to me telling me “You would like this.” And then I’d write back, “You’re right. I wrote it!” In case you’re inclined to share it, which you’re welcome to do, please keep my name attached to it. Unless you’re sending it to Homeland Security.

KING DON’S CHRISTMAS

© 2017 Doug Goodkin (drawing from and with apologies to A.A. Milne)

King Don was not a good man—

He had his selfish ways.

He never said a kind word

For days and days and days.

And men who came across him

Or gathered at his feet

Had to praise and clap and cheer

Had to kiss his nasty rear

Live each day in mortal fear

Of his daily ghastly tweet.

King Don was not a good man,

And no good friends had he

Each week he fired one or two

And sometimes fired three.

And round about December

The cards upon his shelf

Which wished him lots of Christmas cheer

Proclaimed him Time’s Man of the Year

Were never from his near and dear

But only from himself.

King Don was not a good man,

He gave no hope, just fears

Demanded that he be adored

For years and years and years.

And so this year at Christmas

While his cronies stood about

To collect more taxes from the poor

To give the rich yet more and more

To bring us to the brink of war,

The people they did shout.

“King Don, you’re not a good man!

Your heart’s the Grinch’s size

All we hear from you each day

Is lies and lies and lies.

Your Christmas list to Santa

Is a sorry sight,

When you’re not busy tweeting,

This is what you write:

“I want to change each single thing

By next year’s Rosh Hashana

That the one before accomplished

I mean, Barack Obama.

Away with all the Dreamers!

Away with all the Healthy!

Let’s bring out the Streamers

And make tax cuts for the Wealthy!

Away with Education!

Bah Humbug climate change!

Why not drill for oil

On every mountain range!

Away with woman’s right to choose!

Away with immigration!

Away with the Bill of Rights!

The tenets of this nation.

No more freedom of the press,

Just cheers for me, no boos.

Everything that I don’t like

Is heretofore Fake News!

And oh, dear Santa,

If you love me at all

Bring to me that great big dream

Of my Mexican tall wall.”

King Don was not a good man—

Next morning when the sun

Rose up to tell a waiting world

That Christmas had begun.

And people seized their stockings

And opened them with glee.

And felt within their hopeful reach

A message Santa did beseech

All to shout with a joyful screech

The best gift of them all:

IMPEACH!!!