Scholarese

“If the tone is not right, nothing’s right.” Poet Mary Oliver said something to that effect and this came to mind as I read the quarterly journal from my field of music education. It seems there’s a move to appear more scholarly and suddenly many articles are strewn with those names and dates in parenthesis that show that the author doesn’t have a single original idea. The texts are riddled with initials describing the latest dry academic concepts so that the reader conveniently can forget we're discussing kids here.  With a few exceptions, there is little of the children being taught and even less of the aesthetic language of our art form. This bothers me. So I tried my hand at revenge by writing my own article. I believe it's worthy of publication and is sure to revolutionize teaching everywhere. As follows:

The Socio-Neurological- Benefits and Overarching-Learning-Outcomes of Succesively Imitated Rhythm Patterns Over Steady Beat Via the Multiple Mediated Paradigm of the Adapted Orff Schulwerk Pedagogy

                                   By Douglas Goodkin: OST, OMG, LSDLOL

Many Music Educational Instructive Technicians (METI) have found great success in applying the Significant Research Discoveries (SRD’s) to corroborate their field study in classrooms nationwide and test their hypothesis that Echo Clapping with Precision (ECIF) increases students’ visual-audio-motor capacities (Michael Jordan 1988), stimulates the phalangic motor response (David Copperfield 1999), notably increases the Mindful Emphathic Syndrome (Oprah Winfrey 2010) while simultaneously producing AAVCR’s (Awesome and Very Cool Rhythms) (Clinkscales 1906) (Hans Hurd 1936) (Ooga Booga 5006 BC).

These strategies also support the CCSSMALIBFTSIRWFABLTC (Common Core State Standards for Musical Arts and Litercay Invented by Failed Teachers Stuck in Rooms with Forced Air, Bad Lighting and Terrible Coffee). The Orff Schulwerk’s mutli-faceted approach has proven especially effective, with its emphasis on going slow, very slow, medium slow, slowish, mediumish, getting faster, fastish, with dynamics that range from pppp,ppp,pp,p,mp,pm,pms,mvp, f, ff, fu, fpfp with multiple techniques—cupped hands, flat hands, slightly curved hand, flattycuppy, cuppyflatty (Reinhard Flatishler 2002) and performed while sitting (long, hook, half-hook, half-long, longingly, hookeywookey, hokeypokey) , standing lying down, downward dogging, storky worky, inner corey and the full range of kinesehtical kinesilogical motorcadish permutations (James Brown 1963). This author believes based on meticulous observation, years of experience, familiarity with the Reflective Observation Therapy (ROT) Method, that every METI should engage in ECIF work to meet the CCSSMALIBFTSIRWFABLTC (while acknowledging in complete transparency that there are other equally valid points of view co-existing within the same wisdom sphere). 

NOTE: The contents of this article are under the full copyright protection of the Mattress Tag Intellectual Property Agency and all violations will be prosecuted to the full extent of the International Bloggers Society Law.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to submit this to journals worldwide. As soon as I can figure out what it means.