Card for My Dad

 Dear Dad,

 

Happily heavenly birthday! Remarkable to think that you would have been 104 had you stayed with us these last 15 years and hard to imagine that I’ve been 15 years without feeling the vibration of your voice with my hand on your back. But as this letter testifies, you are far from forgotten. And in case you’re curious, I thought I’d tell you the family news.

 

First and foremost, we’re all still here and that alone is a great blessing. Zadie turned 11 years old yesterday, Malik is 7, Ronnie still working as an occupational therapist, Kerala doing some wonderful writing published online while continuing her non-profit work. They’re in a hard place at the moment, due to an extreme panic attack that Ronnie had, but are working hard to re-build stability and trust and making progress. Talia is in her 12^thyear teaching at The San Francisco School and one of the best teachers I know. No progress in the boyfriend department, but she knows how to care for herself and keep a beautiful relationship with the natural world as she camps almost every weekend! Karen continues on with her biking group, hiking group, sketching group etc. and is doing wonderful volunteer work at a Food Bank and writing postcards for political action.

 

As for the Matthews,  Ian is still outside Portland with his wife and two children, Kyle in a completely new life in Texas with an older woman with kids, Damion happily married outside Sebastopol and acting in some plays again along with his drama therapy study. Jim is still working part-time at 75 years old, Ginny still teaching some dance classes and starting to do some work in various spiritual retreats. She recently re-connected with cousin Grace at her granddaughter’s bat-mitzvah. Miraculously, all of the above are generally in good health.

 

And me? Well, you can get all the news from these blogposts, but not sure if the i-Cloud goes quite that far. Ha ha! You might be tickled to know I’m improving in my daily Crostics puzzles (learned from you), still playing morning Solitaire, still working on Bach, another gift you gave me when you agreed to those organ lessons at 6 years old. And guess what? I’m in a movie! As Mom would say, “Imagine that!” How sweet it would be to share that with you, this documentary made about my last year of teaching. I think you would love it. 

 

This country that we almost lost to fascism is taking a turn and there are signs of hope and renewal. Not as much and not as fast as I would wish, but each piece of good news is welcome. Though some people are reluctant to name the moment “post-pandemic,” for all practical purposes, it is. I just took away the basket of masks in the hall, with one or two on hand for a few select moments. 

 

I’m 71 now— another “Imagine that!” moment. When you were this age, you still were living in my childhood home in Roselle, your grandkids were 9, 6, 5 and 1. In a few years, you’d move out to California and so begin the next phase of our long time together. And wasn’t that marvelous? You loved the weather, you liked being closer to Ginny and me and we loved the way you were there to witness the various big events of our’s and the kid’s lives. We were blessed to share it all together.

 

Remember how I always called you before taking a trip? At the end,  you’d say “Thanks for calling” and I’d say, “Thanks for being there”— until one day, you weren’t. But in some ways, we still are calling and responding. I’m still loving you in your absence as I did in your presence and I hope you feel that in whatever form you’ve taken. 

 

Happy birthday, Dad.

 

Your still-loving son,

 

Doug

Prose and Poetry

I often wake up with something on my mind, often some reminder to myself and world as to what might make for a more kind, more just, more joyful world. Or some insight into how I’m put together or how we’re all put together that might need to be remembered. Sometimes the ideas are expressed through little stories of my day— the things that happen in the music class, the visit with the grandkids, the small pleasures of traveling and teaching. Sometimes they’re gathered together into agendas, suggestions as to how to create better systems for gathering together with others, considering how to make community a more welcoming, inclusive and happy experience. In short, the themes of so many of these blogposts, this long litany of little essays framing the world through prose.

 

But sometimes I wake up empty with a poet’s mind. Instead of muscularly imposing myself on the world and how I want it to be, I have the good sense to just take a step back and observe and attend and then, if so moved, to praise and try to capture a little of the day’s flavor through some kind of poetic imagery. At the moment, my e-mails are down to zero, my projects on my list for months as I resisted their difficulty finally done (for the moment), my calendar without a single thing on it until Thanksgiving Day— this is a good time for poet’s mind. Get off the spinning wheel of the to-do list and just observe, enjoy, savor. To welcome the early morning cold air instead of tighten up against it, to descend into the darkening days happily without dreaming of summer, to pause and see what arises of its own volition. The November sun invites me to leave the house and feel its welcome warmth, my still-functioning legs suggest that walking is an excellent idea and the various distinct San Francisco neighborhoods are all poised to receive me should I choose their direction.

 

Happy Saturday to all.

Right Speech

Is anyone watching the new season of The Crown? While I’ve never been a Royal Family voyeur, this is simply excellent on so many levels. The cinematography, the characters, the storyline, the issues— all compelling and expertly presented.

 

In the last Episode, the Queen is about to give a speech acknowledging her Annus Horriblis— a difficult year fraught with family issues around divorce and other things. She’s advised not to (gasp!) share her feelings and is reminded of the three rules of public speaking:

 

1) Does it need saying?

2) Does it need saying now?

3) Does it need saying by me?

 

As someone both appreciated for speaking out when others don’t and accused of speaking too much, that’s a good list to keep in mind. I like to think that often what I choose to say at a meeting or a workshop often indeed needs saying, especially when it confers well-earned praise, challenges others to think deeper and see things from another angle and/or names the elephant in the room that others refuse to acknowledge. 

 

I like to think that I consider the timing of what I say and sometimes wisely save it for another moment when people have had time to mull something over or a later time when I can have a more private conversation with someone about it.

 

Finally, I have noted times when others have said exactly what needs to be said and I sometimes affirm it or piggyback on it to add another layer —and sometimes wisely notice that it has been said and therefore, I don’t need to say it. 

 

I know that I have also had many times when I failed to consider those three questions, but now that I have this checklist by my side, I believe I will find it useful.

 

Right Speech is one of the tenets of the Buddhist eightfold path and mostly is a reminder not to engage in wrong speech— abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech and from idle chatter. I would add that not saying what needs to be said, not saying it at the moment it needs to be said and not saying it because you’re waiting for someone else to say it is also a form of wrong speech, a silence that misses the occasion. Thus the courageous activitist speaks out at the right moment and says what needs to be said, the compassionate teacher remembers to praise the children in the moment when they make a breakthrough, the poet attends to the phrase that has risen up and crafts it on behalf of the world instead of answering the phone. 

 

There. I’ve said what I needed to say. Now. 

From Hurt to Heal

“Hurt people hurt people” said Kanye West and he got that right—for him. And that buffoon he supported (and still does). But if you’re the Dalai Lama or Desmond Tutu, both born into grinding poverty,  the one exiled from his homeland and witnessing the takeover of his culture and the other growing up under the severe racist regime of apartheid, you become two of the world’s most beloved figures who devoted their life to healing, love, justice and kindness. They are both featured in a book and short film titled “The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World.” Watching excerpts from the film is so inspiring, as the two leaders banter back and forth like little boys, so playfully teasing and enjoying each other with humor mixed with profound depth and respect for each other’s work. 

 

So what is the difference between people so deeply hurt and wounded in their young life who come out the other side and transform their trauma into healing and those like “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named” who throw their weight around to harm and hurt, to continue inflicting others with traumas? It feels important to understand that though we all would wish for a childhood and adulthood free from the random slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or the purposeful assault weapons aimed to hurt the innocent and build-up the false sense of self-worth in the gunmen, it is not the trauma itself that sentences us to a lifetime of misery and hurting others. It is the reaction to it, what we choose to do with it, whether we mindless or purposefully pass it on or whether we draw the line and take responsibility for our own sense of well-being. 

 

Though I’m not a believer in the Judeo-Christian monotheistic divine being, it is worth noting that there is a “God-Factor” at work. Doesn’t matter if “God” has a Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist or other name— it’s simply the connection to some spiritual force larger than our small self-serving ego. Martin Luther King, Desmond Tutu, Mother Teresa worked within the Christian notion, the Dalai Lama with the Buddhist, Gandhi with the Hindu, Sandra Lawson with the Jewish, Rigoberta Menchú within her indigenous Mayan cosmology and so on. Of course, there are plenty of important social activists and artists who help heal with their art that have no religious affiliation, but it seems to help put one’s personal wounds inside of the larger context of a spiritual purpose. A reach apparently far beyond the Ye and the Donald and their ilk. 

 

So my formula for the world we all deserve is “First, do no harm.” But knowing that harm will be done, accidentally or on purpose, the next step is to learn how to work with it, how to refuse the notion that “hurt people have to hurt people” and consider that “hurt people can help heal people,” and in fact, do so more effectively because they recognize their common wounds. 

 

Can we please start teaching this in schools? Talking about this at dinners instead of comparing our new version of i-Phones? Bringing these conversations into the workplace? The church or temple? It would be a start.

Both Feet Forward

A therapist once came to our school to help the Middle School teachers understand adolescence. He explained that at this stage of development, the child is pulling away from the parents and teachers to assert her/his own individuality, testing boundaries and trying out new behaviors. So when we expect them to do something the way we want them to, it’s their job to push back. It’s natural and it’s healthy. It’s their job.

 

And that’s when a teacher spoke up and said, “Yeah, but what’s our job?” Boom! Many take the therapist’s analysis to mean that we should be understanding and excuse the kids for whatever they do. But this teacher was reminding us that it’s our job to hold firm, to make the boundaries yet clearer, to push back when they test us and say, “Thanks for your doing your job and when you’re a full-fledged adult, you’re welcome to make that decision. Right now, we’re in charge and it ain’t gonna happen.” 

 

The permissive “I want to be your friend” parent fails the children by refusing their job to be clear about what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t and being willing to back it up. The tyrannical “do whatever I say” parent who doesn’t stretch to understand what’s behind their child’s behavior is equally at a loss. (I’m remembering some of this dynamic in that film American Beauty, the way the child of the permissive parents and the child of the military father were both equally wounded and came together bonded by their mutual hurt. It did not go well.)

 

“What’s our job?” is a good pithy reminder to be the adult in the situation and give the kids something firm to push against. On the understanding side, “behavior is the language of children” helped me time and time again to not react impulsively to “bad” behavior, but to explore with the child (or adult) what they are trying to say that they don’t have the words for. While still holding firm that certain behaviors are not acceptable in my class, I can  show concern for the child’s impulsive outbursts that speak a language neither of us wholly understands yet, but can begin to decipher. It might be as simple as not having eaten breakfast or their cat dying or a more complex trauma that needs attention. It also might be something in the way I teach that doesn’t connect or a lesson that is too overwhelming complicated or too simplistic. Once we can name it, we can begin to work with it. 

 

This is on my mind as I encounter this push-pull dynamic in both family and work situations. In both talking to and writing letters to the people involved, I’m massaging one foot—wanting to know what’s going on inside them and listening deeply and affirming their feelings and offering some comfort— and holding the other one to the fire—making clear that they need to look at how they react to situations that passes harm or blame or shame onto others without taking responsibility for their part in it. Either one without the other is ineffective and keeps us stuck. Both feet together— one massaged and one held to the fire— seems a better way to move forward. (And then switch feet so they both are massaged and both held to the fire!). 

 

And might I recommend that we talk to ourselves as well from both sides of the matter?

Not excuse ourselves too easily and yet, understand that sometimes what we do is the best we can do in light of our own history of wounds and trauma and forgive ourselves. Not blame or shame ourselves too brutally and yet, hold ourselves accountable to do better. 

In short, to treat ourselves and others with a firm love, a loving firmness. None of it is easy, but without it, we’re hopping around on one foot. And that’s exhausting.

  

Fernando, Keith, Ezo and Me

Caminante, son tus huellas
el camino y nada más;
Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar… 

 

Traveler, your footprints are the only path and nothing more.

Traveler, there is no road; 

You make your own path as you walk…

 

-      Antonio Machado

 

On my recent trip to Europe, I had the great honor and pleasure of re-connecting to my old friend Fernando Palacios in Madrid. Of teaching with Keith Terry and visiting Ezo Sunal in Istanbul. I noticed that all three had something in common. Their talents, interests, skills had no obvious one job/career/ path that could hold the full measure of their genius. And so they set forth into the dark forest of possibility and created their own where none had ever been before. A path uniquely theirs that no one had walked before and no one would follow and walk the same steps. 

 

There are plenty of extraordinary human beings who follow existing pathways and bring something new to them or walk them expertly and raise the bar for all who follow. Think Steph Curry in basketball, Wynton Marsalis in jazz, Yo Yo Ma in classical music, Meryl Streep in acting, Mary Oliver in poetry, Barack and Michelle Obama in politics, etc. etc. There are many folks in every field— teaching, carpentry, science, weaving, what have you— who claim their identity within the known parameters of a particular craft and uplift the world with their efforts. 

 

But when there is no one craft that can wholly contain your innate genius, if you live at the crossroads of many intersecting crafts, you indeed have to make your own path by walking it, as Antonio Machado suggests above. It struck me forcefully on this recent visit how attracted I am to people like this. And perhaps I am one of them.

Fernando studied Western classical music at the Conservatory in Madrid while playing some jazz (as Rudy Armstrong) with a plastic trumpet around town. Though he never became an Orff teacher teaching in a school, he studied the Orff approach with Elisa Roche and ended up teaching in many Orff courses throughout Spain, South America and at the Orff Institut in Salzburg. He wrote books about music, composed in various styles, recorded many discs, narrated concerts for young people, directed orchestras, created little operas, worked at Spain’s National Radio, collaborated with numerous theater projects, etc., etc. and again, etc. Every time I meet him, he has some new interesting project going and you can never predict its exact nature. “To live is to invent” is his motto and whatever he touches shines with the full measure of his curiosity, imagination and talent. On top of it all, he is virtuosic whistler! 

 

Keith Terry’s daughter was once asked what her Dad did and she answered, “He jumps around on bubble wrap and gets paid for it.” Keith began as a trap set drummer, traveling the circuit of gigs in rock, pop, jazz and beyond styles. When he began practicing on his own body away from the drum set, he realized that “body music” was the call he was meant to answer. Though an untrained dancer, his innate talent for movement combined with an insatiable desire to learn more about rhythm in Balinese, West African, Brazilian, Indian and other musical traditions opened up the possibility of a trans-cultural expression on the most universal and ancient of musical instruments— the human body. So began his lifetime of trying to find and create venues for this unique gathering of musical energies— from his roots in the Pickle Family Circus to whole concerts of body music collaborating with musicians, modern dancers and circus people to meeting other like-minded people worldwide and eventually creating the International Body Music Festival, collaborating and performing with folks from Bali, Brazil, South Africa, Turkey, Finland, Greece, the U.S. and beyond. He created various performing groups, ranging from the Crosspulse to The Electric Circus Band to Slammin to duets with his wife Edie Ladin, produced Body Music teaching DVD’s and a book about Body music and math and balances performance with a rigorous teaching schedule worldwide, working with Orff music teachers, tap dancers, modern dancers, percussionists, theater people and beyond. 

 

Ezo Sunal studied Orff Schulwerk and also performed in a Turkish body music group (in one of Keith’s festivals!). She has a preschool named for her where she continues to work. But meanwhile, she was the host a popular TV Show for children featuring music, dance and storytelling. She began to write and publish children’s books which are highly acclaimed in Turkey. Not having seen her for three years, she revealed to me her new interest— painting! Her paintings are displayed in prestigious galleries, are featured on the covers of notebooks and have been made into jigsaw puzzles. All within a short three years in which she also had a baby!! Extraordinary! Teacher, musician, mother,  TV personality, author, painter, successful in each, and all in one person.

 

You see why I’m attracted to these people. And in my own modest way, I feel resonance with this path-making group as I expanded my sense of my job as a teacher at my school far beyond the job description and created much of the ritual and ceremonies that stamped the school with a unique character. My wide-ranging interests in education, mythology, psychology, history, social justice, my practice of Orff Schulwerk, Zen Buddhism, jazz piano, classical piano, poetry, my travels and short studies in South Indian drumming, Balinese gamelan, Ghana xylophone, Bulgarian bagpipe, American banjo, Keith’s body music and more made it clear that there was no one path made for them all and I would have to charge ahead into the underbrush. And so I balanced my teaching life with writing this blog, publishing 10 of my own books and 4 from other people, creating the family jazz band Doug Goodkin & the Pentatonics and recording one CD, integrating jazz, world music, ritual, body music into the Orff approach, teaching kids and adults of all ages in some 50 countries, etc. etc. and etc. Both my talent and success are not on the same level as the above three, but it’s not a competition. We are all connected through this same experience:

 

Traveler, there is no road; 

You make your own path as you walk…

 

 

 

Principles, Politics and Personality

As promised, I hope to take a peek behind the curtain of the issues I’ve had with authority that I imagine we’ve all had in different ways and at different levels. I’ll speak from the “I” perspective but hope it resonates on the “We” level.

 

Principles: Most every major conflict I’ve had with the administration in various settings begins from what I perceive as a violation of a Principle. It might be a principle publicly stated in a Mission Statement or an unspoken one that I imagined as an agreement, but perhaps wasn’t felt as such by the other. In either case, the conflict invited a necessary conversation that would bring all parties closer to clarity on who we are collectively, what we agreed upon to value, what we’re structuring our decisions and our work around to uphold and move forward. With this understanding, any conflict or disagreement or misunderstanding should be welcomed as a necessary step to furthering our spoken Mission Statement and/or helping to articulate out loud our unspoken shared values. 

 

Politics: Problems begin to arise when the conversation is held within the parameters of political power. When one of the two sides holds the power to decide the outcome regardless of the logic of the argument, to determine how much they’re willing to discuss the issue, to shut down the conversation if they feel threatened on any level (politically, philosophically, personally) by the issue, things start to veer off course. Instead of a needed and welcome conversation clarifying principles, a conversation that would benefit everyone in the community, it becomes a political power struggle, with one side flexing muscle they didn’t necessarily earn and the other feeling shut down, shut out, or shut up by the uneven power dynamic. 

 

Personality: Everything gets muddied yet further when personality enters the mix, as it always does. Instead of focusing on the actual issue, it becomes a character attack, with one person accused of talking too loud, another of not listening until it escalates into a vicious name-calling that completely ignores the actual issue that needs to be discussed. When things become personal, when discussions about principles are taken personally, the waters get muddied.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? If we are armed with awareness of this patterned behavior, we have the possibility of steering the conversation back to where it belongs. Refuse to engage in or acknowledge the name-calling, set aside the power dynamic (knowing that at the end, one of the two sides will ultimately get to make a decision) and stay focused on the principle at stake and the effect it will have on the community and the Mission Statement. 

 

Sounds easy, yes? Except for one non-negotiable fact. We are deeply flawed human beings whose emotions almost always wrestle our logic to the ground and whose democratic systems of shared power and checks and balances keeps veering to the right. But at the very least, awareness of the three P’s and their proper order and balance gives the possibility of re-directed the needed conversations we keep refusing to have. And help the whistle-blower understand that their personality and “issues with authority” might be a part of the game, but fundamentally, it is their dedication to inclusive and life-affirming principles that is at the heart of the matter. And we all should be proud of standing up for that, to refuse the shame those in power hurl at us and those passive bystanders agree to by their silence. 

 

So next time some drama erupts in your school, workplace or even family, consider the three P’s. 

 

1) What is the principle at stake here? Are we actually in agreement about the principle and if not, can we agree to disagree?

 

2) Who holds the power here and how does that affect the conversation? Can we try to equalize the playing field for the sake of a better discussion?

 

3) While acknowledging the role of personality— different styles of arguing, different relationships with conflict, different histories of hurt feelings— can we lay it to the side and return to the main point? Can we veer away from making it personal or taking it personally and stick to the real issue?

 

If I were applying for a conflict management position, these would be my talking points. But really, I’d rather just be playing piano as I did today, while people jog, skate, bike by or stop to listen. 

PS Of course, some conflicts are entirely political or personal, but even then, there are unseen or unspoken, seen or spoken, principles behind the disconnect that are worth examining and discussing. The above refers mostly to those kinds of decisions that come down from above and make one feel unheard, unseen, undervalued, etc.