Wearing the World

“There is no bad weather, only bad clothes” say the Swedes and ain’t that the truth. Went off snowshoeing in this Winter Wonderland just outside of Yosemite and I was well-prepared. Sturdy boots, rain pants, thick wool sweater, home-knitted hat, thick gloves and after a mile of hiking, I was hot! 

 

Returning to the cabin, I began to peel the layers away and paused at each one. The sweater was gifted to me in Iceland in 1995 and as noted in the last post, I rarely have the occasion the wear it in temperate San Francisco and it sits dormant in my closet. My colleague Sofia was given the same gift at the end of our first Orff course we ever taught together and we still laugh remembering how we took a walk to a hill overlooking Reykavic and looking out over the red-tiled roofs and charming architecture, I turned to Sofia and said “I like Europe.” There was a long pause of silence and a confused look on her face and then she finally said, “What did you say? “ “I like Europe,” I repeated and she looked relieved and confessed, “Oh, I thought you said, ‘I like your rib.’”

As for our lovely Icelandic hosts, we’re still somewhat in touch with Kristine, Elfa and Nanna and happily so.

 

Taking off the rain pants and boots, I remembered buying them for the six weeks in 2003 I first taught the Special Course at the Orff Institut. I lived in the nearby village of Anif and bicycled the 20-minutes through the beautiful landscape— and in all kinds of weather. Because it was March and April, I biked regardless of rain, wind, or snow— and was well-prepared with my boots, and rain pants. It was one of the most marvelous times of my life— immersed in beauty every day, the excitement of living on my own in a new place, teaching what I love in the historic center of the Orff Schulwerk, working with 16 people from some 10 different countries— Spain, Italy, Thailand, Taiwan, Japan, Greece, Turkey, Finland, Iceland, the U.S., many of whom I’m still in touch with. 

 

My undershirt while snowshoeing was from Australia with a logo of the National Conference I taught at in 1994. Another memorable time, not only my first time in Australia, but a time of rampant bush fires and people being evacuated. My work was well-received, I met a lovely group of people and just had a reunion with some 15 of them last year on a return trip to Australia. My host back in ’94 was Margie Moore and I have had the grand pleasure of keeping touch with her throughout the years, most recently with her and her husband serving as tour guides last May on our trip to Oxford. 

 

Amongst many memorable stories from that first Australia trip was a woman participating in a folk dance I taught carrying a big purse. I was mildly irritated, feeling like she should know she needed her hands free. So I walked over and offered to put it off to the side for her. She reluctantly handed it over and thank goodness I didn’t just toss it to the side. Because when I sat at her table for lunch, I noticed she seemed to me nursing something with a bottle—and it was a joey! A baby kangaroo who had lost its mother, so her purse was acting as a pouch and that’s why she carried it with her into the dance!

As for the hat, my Orff student/colleague Laura Ruppert, knits them and this past Fall, at the end of a memorable visit to Seattle staying at her, she gifted one to me. Keeping your head warm is one of the prime strategies for warming the whole body and this was does the trick admirably. Besides many memorable moments we shared in workshops and courses, Laura came to sing with me at the Jewish Home for couple of years, alternating between singing jazz standards and then dipping into an Opera repertoire that was her training. She moved to Seattle a couple of years ago and the Home residents miss her dearly, as do I when I go there to play. But now I have her hat as a reminder! 

 

And so the clothes I wore today warmed me twice. Once keeping my body temperature regulated and once kindling the fires of warm memories recalling when I first wore each item and what I was doing and who was with me. We are our stories and it’s an interesting notion that everyday, we wear some of our history and literally carry it with us. 

 

And what are you wearing today?

 

 

New Tricks

 

In defiance of the “old dogs and new tricks” adage, the trip up toward Yosemite with my wife Karen and daughter Talia is filled with surprises. The three to four feet snowdrifts out the window make it remarkable to remember that a mere two weeks ago, I was swimming in tropical temperatures in Bangkok. Our first night here, we walked barefoot through snow in our bathing suits to soak in an outdoor hot tub with open umbrellas over our head as the snow kept falling. That was a first. As was playing pool (the kind with a table, sticks and balls) with my wife— our first game ever in 52 years together—and she was good! She also joined Talia and I putting together a jigsaw puzzle (she never does them) and Talia and I joined her with a glass of wine (likewise, something we never do). In the spirit of surprising each other, Talia suggested I knit a few rows and Karen showed me how. So yes, you can teach an old Doug new tricks.

 

Awoke this morning to a clear day and the snowfall on hold. Thinking about snowshoeing, something we did a little of decades ago and this is clearly the time to try it again. We walked a bit yesterday, but cleared trails were few and though I was warm enough in my Icelandic Sweater gifted to me while teaching in Iceland back in 1995 and mostly sitting dormant in my closet, the wind on our faces was enough to keep the walk short— and that’s when we found the indoor pool table.

 

With another storm on the way, we were leaning to leaving today a day early, but a downed tree and a stranded chipper truck has us captive here for a while more. We may have no choice but to stay one more night and take our chances on an exit tomorrow. 

 

That’s the news, such as it is, from the Evergreen Lodge near Hetch Hetchy. 

 

At Your Service

On Tuesday, I took my granddaughter to the SF Airport to complete her return home from Portland, parked in the lot and sat at the gate with her. Then reeling with jet-lag, I went to my old school to sub for my old colleague Sofia, who was home sick. 

 

On Wednesday, Sofia had not improved, so I went into school again, accompanied by my jet lag, to teach 1^st graders and 4-year-olds. 

 

On Thursday, I met with James and Sofia to accept people into our Orff Summer Training Course. 

 

On Friday, I went to the Jewish Home and sang love songs with the elders for an hour. 

 

On Saturday, I drove up to Santa Rosa to see my nephew Damion perform as Romeo in a production of Romeo and Juliet. The play ended at 11:00 pm, got home around 12:15 am. (He was excellent!)

 

Today, Sunday, I led another Valentine’s sing at The Redwoods Assisted Living Home in Marin and spent some time with my freshly-widowed friend Heidi—talks, tears and hugs. 

 

Tomorrow, I’m heading up to Yosemite with my wife and daughter Talia, a trip initiated by Talia because she has a week off and boyfriend Matt doesn’t. Never say no to a daughter’s invitation to spend time with you, even if it means heading up into what looks to be a monster snowstorm and you were hoping to enjoy the plum-blossom/ daffodils signs of Spring coming into San Francisco. 

 

In short, though I consider myself a self-directed adult with plenty on my plate, I seem to be happy to be of service to anyone who asks for something within my schedule and skillset. I’d be happy to know that someone at a future Memorial Service (please note future, hopefully paired with “far–“) will testify that in spite of all that can could be interpreted as self-serving, arrogant, egotistical, that they noticed I’m also reliable, dependable, generous, and willing to be of service at the drop of a hat. And if nobody noticed, I guess I’m giving them a hint here. Ha ha!

 

Anyone need a ride to the airport? I’m your man!

Little Man Clapping

Back in 2018, I wrote a poem for each member of the Men’s Group that had been meeting since 1990. The eldest in our group was Bernie Weiner and at that time, at 78 years old, he had just gotten diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Here’s how I talked about it in my poem:

 

FOR BERNIE

 

We’re all suffering the diminishment 

              

 of our once strong and vibrant faculties, 

 

but now yours has a name. 

 

Yes, we all are biking towards our own mortality, 

 

                 but you got given an electric bike 

                            

                                 with that extra push each turn of the pedal. 

 

Not what you needed and hoped for.  Not what any of us 

 

                                   would need or hope for. 

 

 

But the Crisis Paper author has weathered many a crisis,

 

               kept a steadfast loyalty and commitment to the effort 

 

                                    that’s needed to both endure 

                                                                                    

and thrive. 

 

Poem after poem, 

 

                         Play after play

 

                                           Photo after photo

 

And now step after step to brake the accelerating velocity

 

                of what slows you down. 

 

in company with the many who will adjust their pace 

 

                                    to stay by your side.

 

May the remedies prevail!

 

 

They didn’t. This morning, one week after his 86^th birthday, Bernie passed away. In an hour, I’m going to the Redwoods, his Assisted Living home in Marin County, to play piano for and sing songs with the residents, a date I long had on my calendar. Knowing he was on the way out, I was hoping to see him one more time. Missed him by some five hours. But I’ll dedicate a song to him and hope the music will help him fly off into the next world wrapped in love and beauty. 

 

I first met Bernie as the father of his two sons, Erik and Mark, who I taught at The San Francisco School, starting in the 1980’s. Bernie was a local legend, the drama critic of the San Francisco Chronicle. He retired at 50 years old and I went to his retirement/ birthday bash at Club Fugazi, where many Bay Area actors and actresses gathered to both celebrate and roast him. It was an impressive affair. He was a major force in supporting San Francisco’s experimental theater scene in the 70’s and 80’s. (The “Little Man Clapping” was the icon used in theater and movie reviews as a shorthand—off the seat and clapping was “fantastic!”, sitting up an clapping “Fine,” sleeping “Not so good” and the empty chair “Don’t bother.”

 

Right at the same time, the Men’s Group began, so I got to know him a bit more beyond our school contacts. Then his family and ours and two others began going to the Sierras every year on an annual snow trip, then to Calistoga Spa for an annual Spring vacation and later, changed out the Sierras for the West Point Inn on Mt. Tamalpais. Our kids grew up together over all these years, I came to readings of some plays he was always working on, he came to my music performances and I also took part in a concert of music set to his poetry, contributing two pieces. I was the officiant at his son Erik’s wedding and also helped lead the memorial service when his sister Roberta passed away. In short, a lot of shared life together. 

 

Bernie self-published several books of his own poetry, co-founded an online political blog called The Crisis Papers during the Bush years and beyond, took up photography and won some acclaim at local shows. He finally finished his autobiography in 2020, titled “Little Man Clapping: A Critic's Search for Authenticity in Art, Love and Life.” It is an impressive portrait of this life as a Renaissance Man, joining poetry, plays, photography, fatherhood, friendship, family, and more. 

 

And now he is with us no more. A long, rich life to be celebrated and remembered, but always the sadness of disappearance. R.I.P., Bernie—happy we got to be together for so much of the wild ride. 

Winter Wisteria

The bare branches of the wisteria are grey and twisted and jagged. Somehow they speak to the state of my Soul at the moment. It may just be jet lag, so not the best time for a reckoning. But the fact is that it takes a toll on the psyche to be constantly defending against the onslaught of evil, the mathematics of mortality, the sheer weight of a human existence. Saying it all out loud often helps lighten the burden, so bear with me here for a moment if my usual dalliance with hope and happiness takes a back seat for a moment. 

 

If I lay out the facts, it all seems understandably justifiable. One of my friends in the men’s group passed his 86^th birthday deciding not to eat or drink anything more, giving up on his 10-year battle with Parkinsons. He will be the first of the nine of us who have been together for 36 years to die of “old age” and with five of us now arrived at 80+, it’s simply coming attractions. 

 

Just on the cusp of celebrating the release of The Humanitarian Musician (my 11^th book), my books have disappeared from online sellers because a distributor dropped me, the printer who stored my books for free will now charge and the publishers of Jazz, Joy & Justice also are dropping me. God forbid the world support my efforts to bring some music hand-in-hand with joy, justice, humanitarianism and dedication to children. 

 

The numbers are down for our International Summer Orff Course because people are either now blocked from entering our country or the Visa requirements are much stricter or they have the good sense to stay away from a place leaning toward fascism. And don’t get me started with Pam Bondi.

 

In short, more than enough reasons to slide down into despair. The reunion playing and singing love songs (Valentine’s Day) at the Jewish Home helped, but not enough. I’ve said often enough, “Don’t let the bastards get you down!” because then they win, but a slogan alone is not enough to heal a battered emotional body. 

 

And yet. I know that beautiful blossoms are lying dormant inside those jagged wintry branches of the wisteria, patiently awaiting their moment to bloom. It’s the moment to listen to Tony Bennett, accompanied by Bill Evans, singing Michel LeGrand’s song “You Must Believe in Spring.” So I’ll end with hope back on the horizon and we’ll see what tomorrow brings. (The words below are poetic enough, but I highly recommend listening to the above version of the song.)

 

[Verse 1]
When lonely feelings chill
The meadows of your mind
Just think if winter comes
Can spring be far behind?
Beneath the deepest snows
The secret of a rose
Is merely that it knows
You must believe in spring

[Verse 2]
Just as a tree is sure
Its leaves will reappear
It knows its emptiness
Is just the time of year
The frozen mountain dreams
Of April's melting streams
How crystal clear it seems
You must believe in spring

[Verse 3]
When angry voices drown
The music of the spheres
And children face a world
That's far beyond their years
Above the darkest sky
The full horizons lie
With all the reasons why
You must believe in spring

 

(Verse 4)

You must believe in love
And trust it's on its way
Just as the sleeping rose
Awaits the kiss of May
So in a world of snow
Of things that come and go
Where what you think you know
You can't be certain of
You must believe in spring and love

Over the Rainbow

In 2004, just a month after George W. Bush was elected for a second term, I wrote my annual Holiday Newsletter. I stumbled across it today and re-reading the opening was both discouraging and encouraging at once. We—at least, I— have been here before. The bandaids on cancer failed to heal because of a refusal to accept the deeper diagnosis and the needed treatment. But the symptoms are now so irrefutable that the systems that sustain them are finally showing signs of crumbling. It feels worth a repost here, looking at ways that we can individually and collectively not only get through, but help pull down the supporting posts. Here’s what I wrote then and here’s what I still stand by now:

                                    HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER 2004

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us… in short, it was a time much like the present…”

 

And so it is, has been and ever shall be. But now the stakes are so much higher. The power behind blind ignorance and willful malice is exponentially greater than ever before and the resulting damage of global proportions. In a time when we need the best in us to step forth, we have capitulated to the worst. In a time that calls for our most imaginative thinking, far-reaching vision and compassionate caring, we have elected sheer stupidity and hearts incapable of remorse. It is difficult time to write a holiday newsletter. 

 

And yet, the sun sill rises and sets and the pages of the calendar still turn. We get up each morning and go forth into the day in hopes that each small act might make a difference. We continue to study what has been so that we may imagine what might be. We read to step inside the shoes of the other, to discover the shared humanity that the newspapers don’t report. We keep on teaching children in hopes that they might carry forth the work we’ve started and reach for the places we’ve missed. We sort through the entanglements of working together with others, try to keep our common purpose in sight amidst the daily squabbles and stepped-on toes. 

 

We carry on making art, playing music, singing songs, writing poems and dancing, try to wrestle our joys and sorrows, our certainties and confusions, into shapes that heal and uplift. We break bread together—carbs be damned!— to nourish both bodies and companionship. We suffer through our perpetual failures, sort through the confused choir of inner voices to search out the hidden harmonies, get up from the floor determined to either be better or accept the goodness inside of our faults and flaws. We continue to grow stronger by habitually exposing our vulnerability. 

 

We also slowly realize how the narratives of our personal shortcomings are often systemically imposed by power and privilege protecting itself by making their agenda of harm and hurt our problem— and finally refuse it. We pull aside the curtain to reveal the fake Wizard pulling the ropes of White Supremacy, Patriarchy and Class, and reclaim the brain, heart and courage that these toxins have poisoned and beaten down. We understand that the land we dream of “over the rainbow” is the rainbow, with all the colors shining together. We finally accept that we don’t return home from mere naïve hope and tapping our red shoes together, but by intentionally walking the road together, one yellow brick at a time. And yes, while singing and dancing. 

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Turning the Page

I was so proud that at the beginning of my travels over four weeks ago, I arrived in Singapore, slept through the night, walked and swam my first day and miraculously entirely circumvented jet lag. “Not so on my return!” he says at 3:00 am in the morning on Wednesday and also yesterday on Tuesday. Not a bad time to catch up on business in a quiet house, but not my first choice!

 

Our Zipair 9-hour flight home was fine, though no movies! We left at 10:00pm from Tokyo and I believe I slept a total of one hour. Out the San Francisco airport to a sunny day and newly appreciating the feeling of space, the ocean, the greenery, a marked contrast to the urban jungle of steel and concrete and flashing videoed billboards that is Tokyo. As I wrote in one Facebook touch, “Tokyo is a place of contrasts, the space and serenity of a few shrines and temples side-by-side with the Times-Square-on-steroids neighborhoods (Shinjuku/ Shibuya) that make you feel like you’re inside a giant pinball machine.” Like New York City, a fun place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. The balance of city and country in San Francisco is much more my cup of tea. 

 

Usually, I leave a place with a summary of appreciations and amongst the things I noticed and enjoyed were:

 

• Jazz as the default background music at restaurants! At a volume possible to talk over. Not a single thumping disco beat! Thank you, Tokyo!

 

• Clean streets and a bit mysterious as there are very few public trash cans and a lot of food wrapped in plastic wrappers.

 

• No (visible) homeless people. It’s possible.

 

• The aforementioned blend of the hyper-urban and the old-world serenity of shrines and temples.

 

Upon returning, Zadie and I had a nice Mexican meal prepared by my wife Karen and Zadie’s Aunt Talia (Tita). Nice short family reunion, finally get horizontal, middle of the night 3-hours awake and next morning, take Zadie to the airport to fly back to her home in Portland. It was my colleague Sofia’s birthday and she was down with the flu, so I went from the airport to my old school to sub for her and teach a Bulgarian piece in 15/16 meter to the 6^th graders, many of whom were my last 5-year-old class when I retired in 2020. Such a pleasure to see their growth and progress, physically, emotionally and musically. Then I got to share an elementary school singing time (always a favorite) with my colleague James and our Valentine’s Day repertoire. 

 

So I hit the ground running, back to teacher mode, and will return today to do some old favorites with 4-year-olds and 1^st graders. A rather choppy schedule lies ahead, with a calendar dotted with things like my nephew’s play, singing at two elder homes, a short trip to Yosemite, a school alum teacher hike, my wife’s birthday, a ritual annual New Year’s walk with friends and more. Turning the page from a marvelous time in Singapore, Bangkok, Tokyo, to my life in California. Enjoying the plot of the book and the characters, and ready for the next chapter.