Letter from God

God wrote to me recently and told me to share the message on Facebook  (apparently God’s password disappeared) and on this blog. Here’s a rough transcript.

 

Dear Doug,

 

This is just to inform you that we have changed our accommodation procedures to gain entrance in Heaven and Hell. As of today:

 

• No longer will the “true believers” who obey without question get first choice of rooms in our heavenly rooms. In fact, it’s likely they won’t get rooms at all given our new criteria for entrance in the heavenly realm. 

 

• Those who use the intelligence I gifted to them to question, to critically think, to distinguish between actual fact and fantasy get first dibs in the deluxe Heavenly suite.

 

• Those who take my Son’s teachings seriously—“Love your neighbor as yourself,” “Throw out the moneylenders,” “Turn the other cheek,” “Blessed are the merciful” and more will likewise get free admission, provided they provide proof that they actually lived these values. 

 

• I gave my human creations Free Will in expectation they would make good choices. Those who purposefully choose deceit, greed, spreading lies and misinformation, hurting and harming others and then gleefully rejoicing when they do so while collecting their next ten million dollars are first in line for the other place.

 

• When they get there, they will be gathered in the Bikram Yoga room, be forced to say Namaste to each other and sing Kumbaya holding hands, read every banned book and be tested on the knowledge (with the heat turned up 10 degrees for every wrong answer). 

 

• In their new accommodations, there will be no health care, no protections against tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes except paper towels, no laws about assault rifles so they might die again and again, no garbage pick-up so all will have to wallow in their own filth, no lawyers that can arrange exemptions or better accommodations. 

 

• Those who eventually rise to the most minimal standard of human decency will be reborn as a mosquito and have to work their way up.

 

All of the above is effective immediately.

 

Yours truly, 

 

God

 

PS I’ve cc’ed St. Peter and he has been informed that there are no exceptions, regardless of how much money you slip him.