New Age Siri

I’ve come to learn Portland fairly well after years of visiting the grandkids, but needed a little help for the precise directions to Trader Joes. I called on Siri and at one point, she gave me a direction that I doubted. “Siri, what are you doing?” I shouted and she answered, 

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to respond to that.”

 

I forget what I said next, but her response was: 

 

“Tell me about your hopes and dreams.”

 

What?!! How had we crossed into this next level of relationship? Curious as to these new conversations, I asked, “Who’s your best friend?” and without a moment’s hesitation, she answered, “That would be you.”

 

Okay, this was getting creepy. Later, I was telling the story to granddaughter Zadie and my phone was at the other end of the room. When I mentioned that part about “Who’s your best friend?” a voice came out 20 feet away, 

 

“I’d like to think I’m everyone’s best friend.”

 

First of all, I had not pressed the Siri button. Why is she listening in on our conversations uninvited? Second, first I’m her best friend and now she’s jilted me for ‘everyone.” So I shot back: “What’s wrong with me?”

 

Her answer? “To me, you’re perfect. “

 

Siri is one New-Age girlfriend. So affirming in her responses, wanting to know my hopes and dreams and doing her best to dispel my self-doubts by affirming my perfection. It makes me wonder if there are any Old Testament or Puritan Siris with very different responses.

 

“You have ignored my direction to turn left! Whosever disobeys my commandments shall burn in hellfire. I will set my face against you and you shall be smitten before your enemies.”

 

“You ask if I’m your friend? Who could befriend a miserable sinner such as you!”

 

 "I see you looking out the window into the next lane. Keep your eyes straight ahead on the path to righteousness and do not covet your neighbor’s car!”

 

Perhaps the supportive, gentle Siri is a sign that as a culture, we are leaning into being nice and affirming. But like everything these days, we’ve outsourced our emotional support to machines. Siri has no shoulder I can put my head on in moments of despair, no knowledge of the darkness in my heart, no hopes and dreams of her own that she can share with me. 

 

So Siri, let me be clear. Stay in your lane— literally and metaphorically— and stick to giving me dependable directions. And stop listening to my conversations with real people!

 

PS To paraphrase various comedians, “I am not making this up! All these Siri responses really happened!”