Andrew and Harriet

Here’s a surprising confession. Andrew Jackson was once my hero. I think it was sometime around 4^th grade when I read a little biography about him and decided “He’s my man!” So much so that I asked my father, an amateur painter, to paint his portrait (the one currently on the $20 bill) and hung it in my bedroom. His was the first face I saw in the morning and the last face in the evening. 

 

Luckily, I’m not running for office, so this skeleton in my closet—well, on my wall— won’t do me much harm. If confronted, I would make it clear that I didn’t inhale. And that’s pretty much true. Since none of my teachers nor my parents ever took me aside and let me know the truth about the vicious slave-holder who sent the Cherokees in Florida on a devastating forced relocation that became known as the “Trail of Tears,” I was wholly innocent of his heartless brutality. He permitted (and encouraged) Southern postmasters to censor anti-slavery material, claiming all abolitionists were monsters and a threat to national security. He appointed Roger B. Taney to the Supreme Court, who subsequently ruled in the Dred Scott Case that Black Americans were the legal property of white slave-masters and therefore had no rights as citizens. In short, Andrew Jackson was part of the ”good ole boys” club that were anything but. He would be pleased to hang out with his descendants today refusing the evolution of justice and spirit. Despite the promise that Harriet Tubman would replace his image, my childhood painting haunts me every time I pull out a $20 bill. 

 

But even a broken clock is right twice a day and ironically, he was called “the people’s president” because he was in favor of abolishing the Electoral College. He also was concerned about capitalist monopolies, re-charted the Second Bank of the United State because it backed “advancement of the few at the expense of the many.” And most ironic of all, he founded the Democratic Party!!! (Remember that Lincoln was a Republican— those parties were quite different in the 19^th century than they were in the 20^th.)

 

So why did I like him as a kid? First off, I was in 4^th grade reading a whitewashing little biography. Secondly, I was inspired by the “rags to riches” story and the sense of a life marked by destiny. I remember talking with my friends around that time about whether they felt like they were destined for greatness and they looked at me confused. I had assumed everyone felt that and came to learn that my sense of direction and meaning in my life, wholly dark to me at the time, but felt nonetheless, was not necessarily shared by all. 

 

Finally, as mentioned, I didn’t “inhale,” the smoke from Old Hickory never blackened my lungs and when I began to read of other kinds of destinies—from Thoreau and Whitman to Emily Dickinson and Harriet Tubman to Martin Luther King and Angela Davis and far beyond—I could keep the mythology intact without the cruelty. 

 

Meanwhile, it’s long overdue to keep Harriet Tubman in my wallet. If my Dad were still alive, I’d ask him to paint her image over that other. 

The Ferry and the Train

Many years back, I sat down at the kitchen table and began to write a rhymed verse version of the Medieval story, Sir Gawain and the Loathly Lady. An hour or so later, I had a three-page first-draft/ last-draft poem. It simply poured forth effortlessly, as if I was coming through me from some realm beyond. Not to inflate it too much, it shared the quality in that scene from the movie Amadeus where Mozart is dictating the Requiem to Salieri. When you are the chosen vehicle for music/ poetry/ painting and such, I imagine many have had these kinds of experiences. Not even close to all the time. Most of the work of creation is slow and ponderous and filled with cross-outs, with that important tool, the eraser, close at hand. But sometimes it just gushes forth effortlessly.

 

Again, not to claim too much divine inspiration for what might be a mediocre little work, the difference is in degree, not kind. Yesterday, my wife and I finally decided to take the new SMART train that runs from Larkspur to Windsor, just north of San Rafael. It’s free for seniors and promised a little adventure on a lovely sunny day. 

 

I was somewhat ambivalent about devoting a whole day to it, what with my Mt. Everest list I need to tick off before taking a trip in four days for four weeks of teaching abroad. And it began dubiously as my darling wife, determined to be unnecessarily uptight about schedules, ran up alone to the N-Judah bus stop with me having to hurriedly follow. She doesn’t do well with criticism and didn’t take kindly to me pointing out how unnecessary it was to be so anxious when the timing was clearly going to be fine. (Ordinarily, I don’t air these little tidbits of our marriage’s dirty laundry but need to explain one line in the poem to follow.) The good news is that she got over it quickly and we had a fine day together. 

 

We did board the N-Judah and arrived at the Ferry Terminal (with 20 minutes to spare, I might add), met a friend and boarded the Larkspur ferry to get to the train station. Sitting outside on the back deck, I opened my journal to try to write myself back into happiness and noticed the first long line just happened to rhyme. So I followed that lead and ten minutes later, had a little poem that I wrote without pause. Haven’t written any poems recently, so felt good to dive back in. Certainly not a masterpiece, but having given this back-story, I’m obliged to share it.

 

On the Larkspur Ferry

SF skyline receding in the wake,

The SMART train trip to Windsor,

I’m not sure if I should take.

 

Too much weight is bearing down

on my one tiny life.

Not helped a bit by uptight shit

from my forever wife.

 

Yet the sun does shine, the water’s blue,

the birds sing on the earth.

While I sit down to write in hopes

I can inspire my re-birth.

 

Cobbling words together,

in sweet rhythm and sweet rhyme,

Might help unlock, turn back the clock,

feel the full embrace of Time. 

 

All that I know, I should let go

step fully into Now.

Forget the what and ask not why, 

turn attention to the how.

 

The motor’s roar, the water’s wake,

the wind across my face.

Help spark anew, my overdue

faith in the human race. 

 

Pen still in hand, the ferry lands

I disavow my pain.

Disembark, walk boldly forth

to board the freedom train. 

Flip Flop

I suspect like most of us, I am a creature of habit and routine. When I’m home without a school or travel schedule to follow, I tend to stay home all morning. While I’m fresh, I write my daily blogpost, take care of e-mail, work on a book (if I happen to be working on one), play some piano and so on until lunch. That’s when I finally step out the door into the world to walk, bike, do errands, visit friends, what have you. 

 

But it’s always a good idea to mix things up a bit and today, I flip-flopped the usual schedule. I knew I needed to keep up with exercise, but couldn’t stand going out in the afternoon when the Blue Angels would sonically overwhelm me with their terrorizing roar. Meanwhile, my wife’s Sunday morning routine these past 36 years is to go on a bike ride with her “What Café?” group of friends. One of the original founders died back in 2007, another moved away, a few come in and out and new folks have joined and the tradition moves on. Usually all women, but occasionally guest men are allowed to join and today Kevin and I rode alongside five other women, leaving at 8:30 in the morning. 

 

What amazes me is that instead of rotating leadership and taking turns being responsible for deciding where to ride and by what route and “what café” they’ll end up at for brunch, they just huddle together at one of the member’s houses and miraculously, a plan just emerges. So it was today and off we went through Golden Gate Park to the ocean, then north to the Legion of Honor, east down Lake Street to Arguello, north again to Tunnel Top and the newly opened restaurant/café, The Mess Hall. Being San Francisco, there was a significant amount of challenging uphill (all on “acoustic” bicycles), some swooping downhills and pitch-perfect weather with no wind and not a Blue Angel in sight. 

 

The Mess Hall (named for the Officer’s Eatery back when the Presidio was a military base and now gentrified and pricey) served excellent coffee and a unique cheese/egg pastry with an unpronounceable and unrecognizable name (but delicious). There we sat in the sun, thoroughly enjoying the sweeping 180-degree view from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Palace of Fine Arts, following the conversation wherever it led. Which, weirdly enough, brought us to obscure animals like echidna, coatimundi, capybara and more. 

 

One more big hill (Arguello) to ascend before heading south to Golden Gate Park and back home by noon. And now the grand perk of feeling like I fulfilled my exercise quotient and the day is wholly mine to do what I will. The opposite of my usual, but wholly refreshing.

 

So there you have it. On to my day. 

The Long Day

Usually I have the feeling that there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I would wish to. But sometimes—like today— I have the opposite feeling. There are so many hours in the day! How to fill them? 

 

Of course, I have the usual busy work to attend to, but none of it appeals to me at the moment. I need to walk, but the damn Blue Angels are still here roaring their ear-shattering and trauma-triggering roars and I don’t want to see them or hear them. I could get a Covid or Flu shot, but I think the clinic’s closed on Saturday. Of course, there’s always the piano, but I’m feeling a disturbing small pain in my right hand when I play. I could go to the basement and bring up a jigsaw puzzle, but it doesn’t feel quite right. What to do?

 

Looking through my collection of poems to read at my recent party, I came upon this one. Pretty much captures today’s conundrum: 

 

Five Views of Retirement

 

·      What will I do today?

 

·      What will I do today?

 

·      What will I do today?

 

·      What will I do today?

 

·      What will I do today?

 

Well, at least I wrote a Blogpost. 

 

All of It

Who could imagine that an American TV show would have the artistry and sincerity to make me cry three times in 45 minutes? So it was with the last episode of Ted Lasso. When a beloved character dies, the others meet the moment in the only way we should— with music, poetry and a renewed determination to live their remaining lives more fully. The music was the heart-touching Irish song The Parting Glass, the poem was the soul-stirring When Death Comes by Mary Oliver and the determination came in the form of casting aside cautious doubts and anxieties and grabbing life by the tail and swinging it around in full-bodied enthusiasm.

 

And that means meeting all of it head-on. The deafening arrogant roars of the Blue Angel planes that traumatized my peaceful walk through the park yesterday next to the deep comfort of Schubert’s Ave Maria I’ll play at the Jewish Home today. The cold machines driving driverless through my beloved city and a smile from a passing stranger. The AI billboards convincing us to abandon the human experiment and the delight and curiosity of the 5-years I danced with last week in music class. The explosive sweetness of a ripe pear with the crunch of walnuts and the stench of piss from the homeless in the alley. The wild dogs roaming freely in government halls and the 95-year-old protestor out on the street with her home-made sign. The whole catastrophe. 

 

How to embrace it all without accepting it all? How to keep hope in the heart without being beaten down for staying informed? How to sidestep those hurting you and your loved ones with their heavy shoulders of power while still staying in the game? How to be a perpetual bride to amazement? 

 

Questions for a Friday morning. 

 

 

WTF x 10

Have you ever seen the Onion Newspaper! Don't know if it still exists, but it was purposeful fake news spinning out the most outrageous stories with a great deal of humor. (I remember when Obama was elected, the headline was "Business as usual: Black man given the nation's worst job.") It soon became irrelevant when the real news was even more outrageous than their fake news! (Though I just looked it up and it's still going.)

 

So when an Orff colleague asked me to sub for a few days, I was delighted as I always am. All seemed promising until he discovered that I had to do some kind of Live Scan thing to make sure I wasn’t wanted by the FBI. And then there would be an interview. I asked him to find out more about the details and he came back with this (names redacted to protect the guilty): 

 

The process for becoming a sub at ____  is for someone to apply through the school job post. The division head can then evaluate Doug's materials and decide whether to interview him. Once she decides to move someone to an offer stage, then she’ll send Live Scan fingerprinting clearance, TB testing, and mandated reporter training. We are also required to perform egregious background checks with each prior educational employer. Once cleared, we send an offer letter, which the head of school has to sign. If we really hustle, the entire process can take 2 weeks. 

 

As several comedians have commented, "You can't make this shit up!" If I wanted to write a satirical version of what it takes these days to sub, don't think I can do better than this.

 

 Needless to say, I will not be subbing there, this week or ever. Sorry for the kids who won’t get to work with the Steph Curry of Orff , but I’m sure they’ll have fun with a non-criminal sub who will stick in a video. 

 

There is not a font big enough to express my disgust. Multiply this times 10 and you’ll get closer. 

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advice from Thumper's Mother

In my memory, Bambi was the first movie I ever saw. I might have been four or five years old—who knows? But I do remember being terrified of the forest fire and perhaps experienced my first taste of empathy feeling so sad that Bambi lost his mother to the evil hunter. 

 

I also remember a scene when Bambi is a newborn and the rabbit family with little Thumper comes to visit. Thumper makes some childlike honest comment about Bambi’s dubious appearance and his mother scolds him: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Good advice! If only the Orange Man had seen the movie and taken this advice to heart, we would have a silent President indeed. 

 

Why am I thinking of Bambi? Because as I start my Thursday, it occurs to me that nothing worthy of writing down has crossed my mind. So to paraphrase Thumper’s mother, I thought: “If you don’t have anything worthwhile to write, than don’t write anything at all.”

 

And then I wrote this post. 

Pop Quiz

My addiction to Facebook quizzes is getting worse, but it does boost my intellectual self-esteem, help stave off dementia and teaches me some new things. I took one about idioms the other day and that inspired me to make my own quiz. Not multiple choice, but a “fill in the rhyme variety.” Since most addicts like having company, let’s see if I can entice you to fill it out! Unfortunately, my computer skills are not good enough to put the answers upside down, so you’ll have to exercise restraint before scrolling down for the answers. Good luck! This will be part of your final grade.

 

1.    You think that this is hard? Well, make no mistake.

       For someone like me, ___________________________.

 

2.    When something doesn’t work and you don’t know why or how,

              It’s time to admit that you should _____________________________

 

3.     You gotta get something done when you wake up in the morn.

               It clearly is time to ________________________________________

 

4.    When you’re searching for something, don’t be in a rush

              Because _________________________________________.

 

5.    When you have worked so hard every minute of the day,

You deserve some rest, it’s _____________________________.

 

6.      Everything is going up, like the price of an egg,

              Anything you buy ______________________________.

 

7.    When evil people have the power to kick us in the ass,

              Now is not the time to _______________________________.

 

8.    You feeling kind of woozy, your head is in a fog,

              You’ll feel much better if you can ____________________.

 

9.    Life is short, so have some fun, with good food and good wine.

             Might as well ___________________________________________.

 

10.                  If you want to know who did it, ‘cause it clearly wasn’t me

                        I suggest you stop ___________________________.

 

          Write your answers down before scrolling below. Don’t cheat!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.    … it’s a piece of cake!

2.    … throw in the towel.

3.    … take the bull by the horn.

4.    … a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

5.    … time to hit the hay.

6.    …costs an arm and a leg.

7.    … look through a rose-colored glass.

8.    …sleep like a log. 

9.    …make hay while the sun does shine.

10.  … barking up the wrong tree.

 

How did you do?

Back Burner Books

 

I have two second-draft books on the stove—one still simmering on the back burner and the other moved to the front where I am stirring it, tasting it, adding spices here and there. That one is titled: The Kindness of Strangers: Travels in a Different Time and chronicles a life-changing trip my soon-to-be wife and I took around the world in 1978-79. 

 

The second one is titled: Zen, Jazz and Orff: A Life in Three Worlds and is both part autobiography and more importantly, a look at where three distinct practices overlap. It seems like a surefire best-seller—NOT!!! The number of Zen practitioners and Orff teachers are small and Jazz musicians/ fans a bit larger, but still miniscule by Taylor Swift standards. (In fact, some years back, Jazz was at the bottom of the public listening totem pole with some 2% interested!) And the number of Zen students interested in reading about Jazz, Jazz musicians interested in reading about Zen, Zen and Jazz people interested in reading about Orff and so on narrows the field yet more. Why bother?

 

Well, I have given a copy of the book to a Zen student, a jazz musician, an Orff teacher and two people who miraculously, like me, have some connection with all three worlds and they all are encouraging me to pursue publication. As I wrote in an abstract when I submitted it to a publisher who unsurprisingly (but disappointedly) rejected it:

 

This book takes a look at the common principles these three practices share that could refresh the world, offering both individual transformation and contributing to collective healing. Not intended to convert anyone to any of these practices, the hope is to consider their common values, how they stand in opposition to many of the toxic ideas that currently permeate our culture and how they can help forge the future we need and deserve.

 

So while the publisher made it clear—“not interested”—I was delighted to get this comment from the Orff teacher who I shared it with, a colleague from Korea (who, interesting enough, is Catholic, not Buddhist):

 

Your book connects so strongly with my own thinking. The older I become, the less interested I am in impressive systems or grand claims, and the more I believe in what happens when one person genuinely learns, creates, cares, and acts—and then carries that into relationship with others.

 

And I keep thinking about another idea running through the book: that suffering, freedom, discipline, purpose, experience, tradition, humor, community, service (all chapter titles in the book) and the long road itself are not steps in a formula that guarantees an outcome. We practice, learn, and keep walking, but at some point we also have to let go of the plan and remain open to what we cannot control.

 

It feels so good to be understood. That indeed is a sub-theme that runs through both the book and my own life, nourished and sustained by these three practices. Not ready to open up for pre-orders yet and have to finish the travel book before turning back to this. But hey, if you’re deeply interested, contact me and I’ll send you a PDF. 

The Most Valuable Thing in My House

In a world filled with dazzling technologies, the things I value most—and always seem to be in short supply— are:

 

• Clothes hangers

• Clothespins

• Rubber bands

• Paper Clips.

• Post-its

• Pencils with erasers

 

Regarding the latter. The 20 pencils or so in our house all have erasers worn down to the nub. A few are the kind you can add to the pencil, but they hardly work and often break off. As an artist, my wife uses a rectangular stand-alone eraser that I tried today and it works great! But she only has one.

 

My now-daily habit of doing an Acrostic word puzzle (only available in books through the mail by Penny Press) is a legacy from my Dad. He did one or two a day and remarkably, always did them in pen! Me, I need pencil and more importantly, I need an eraser. So that’s my big project of the day as I go out into the world— to buy a good supply of erasers. 

 

It was the composer Arnold Schoenberg who was reputed to have said: 

“The most important tool for a composer is an eraser.”

 

The same could be said of a writer or teacher planning music classes or other creators. Goodness knows the alleged Almighty could have used one when creating human beings! 

 

And while I often complain that “advances” in technology are often anything but, I can state unequivocally that the delete button on the computer is far superior to white-out on the typewriter. And perhaps even a little bit better than an eraser, able to obliterate whole passages in a single highlight-and-click-delete stroke. 

 

As author Anne Lamott advises her writing students, by all means splash it all out there while the inner critic is sleeping and write shitty first drafts. And then— eraser in hand, whittle it down like a sculptor trying to reveal the image asking to come forth in a piece of wood. Which, by the way, except for a quick read-through to clean-up typos and spelling and such, I never do in these blog-posts, knowing they are ephemeral little thoughts and experiences not destined for posterity. Sometimes I think about combing through them all and cleaning them up for presentation, like getting your kid ready for church, and putting select pieces together in a printed collection. But having passed that 5,000 post mark, not too likely that that will ever happen!

 

Meanwhile, I put forth and erase as and when I can. And that erasing goes for sloppy patterned behavior in one’s own life! Start with that pink little nub and keep going!

Now about those clothes hangers. 

 

PS Simple solution. Erase the unworn clothes in my closer (well, take them to Goodwill) and I should have plenty of hangars!