Blessed Unrest

“A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”

 - Robert Browning”

“Your boundaries are your quest.”   – Rumi

 

“I yam what I yam.”  - Popeye

 

Recently I listened to a recording of my piano playing, to a draft of my first Podcast and read something I had written and my overall impression, to put it bluntly, was, “I suck!” The act of creation requires an unbounded confidence that you have something to say and the notion that you have the needed skill and talent to say it and say it well. Suddenly, all of that crashed to the floor. 

What are the criteria that measure success? That fuel one's determination to keep trying? 

 

1)   Enough of a response from World that you are up to the job, measured in comments from people and numbers of people attending, invitations for further work.

 

2)   An inner sense that you did well, that you would like to be an audience member in your own concert, a listener to your own Podcast, a reader of your own book.

 

As for the first, the numbers have always been small and intimate, 2,000 copies of each book selling out after five years, 9 people at my bookstore reading, 30 people at my self-produced concert, a small (but steady—thank you!) blog readership. My ship that comes in is almost always a one-person kayak or canoe rather than an ocean liner. Nevertheless, I persist. 

 

But the second hit me over the head yesterday and in my crisis of faith, I briefly wondered “Why bother?” It is discouraging to keep reaching so much further than my grasp, like turning the page in the Chopin Etude and being hit with pages of 32^nd notes that my fingers can’t handle. Rumi’s reminder brings some comfort, that hitting the wall of your own limitations is a test to see how serious you are in your quest. Like being willing to start the long uphill battle with Chopin’s notes one phrase at a time in slow motion and emerging more successfully some 25 hours later. 

 

And then there’s Popeye. Knowing there are tens of thousands of musicians, speakers, writers who can do it better and who needs you anyway? Just lower the bar and be content with what you have. 

 

I think what I most need to hear today is Martha Graham, who somehow captures a bit of “all of the above” and a bit more. After writing this, I’ll try again with the Podcast, which after all is new territory and my issue with not finding my proper tone speaking into a phone to an imaginary audience rather than a live one in a workshop is something that perhaps I can improve. I don’t love that Chopin piece enough to put in the hours, but why not be content playing that Erik Satie piece and feeling the full measure of its beauty? And didn’t I just publish some old poems that I liked reading? 

 

Here's Martha (boldface mine):

 

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”