Wrong Century

The jury is in—I am not cut out for the 21^st century. After jumping through all the hoops to produce my first CD (already almost on dinosaur status), I’m figuring out what the next steps for promotion are. Apparently, I need to set up my profile, register with CD Baby, connect with Spotify, sign up with i-Tunes, build a band website, buy download cards, design custom band T-shirts, hoodies, hats and band apparel, get my sync licensing, work on my YouTube/Facebook Monetization, add submission credits… are you still with me here?

Then I called to activate one of those gift credit cards parents at school gave to me. And of course, got looped into the standard voice mail from hell. Did you ever notice that the actual option you want—at least the one I want—is at the end? I’m talking about actually speaking to a human being. These clever efficient types think that they can anticipate all of the customer’s need and God forbid, spare an employee from actually having a conversation with a customer.

So the voice mail thing goes kind of like this:

Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Mandarin, 4 for Cantonese, 5 for Japanese, 6 for German, 7 for French, 8 for Italian, 9 for Portuguese, 10 for Swahili, 11 for Korean, 12 for Farsi, 13 for Turkish, 14 for Greek, 15 for Bulgarian, 16 for Finnish, 17 for Bahasa Indonesian, 18 for Thai, 19 for Xhosa, 20 for Latin, 21 for Pig Latin, 22 for Esperanto, 23 for … well, good luck!

This call will be monitored for quality service and listened to by employees being punished.

• If you’re calling to activate your card, press 1.

• If you’re calling to check your account balance, press 2.

• If you’re calling to check on whether you can use this card internationally, press 3.

• If you’re calling to question a card purchase, press 4.

• If you’re calling to use this card at a gas station, press 5.

• If you’re calling to find out how much tip is automatically included if you use this card at a restaurant, press 6.

• If you’re calling to find out who decided that a 20% tip would be given, press 7.

• If you’re calling to get some good restaurant recommendations, press 8.

• If you’re calling to ask if using this card for escort services will be in the public record, press 9.

• If you’re calling to ask if you can apply purchases from this card to your other card with a mileage plus account for flights, press 0.

• If you’re calling to find out who gave you this card and why the hell they just didn’t stuff cash in an envelope, press 00

• If you’re calling to find out who programmed this voice mail and what their address is so you can go over to their house and give them a ‘gift’ of your own, press uh-oh.

• If you’re calling for psychiatric help after you’ve lost it listening to this voice mail, press 911.

(25 choices later)

• If you’re calling to speak to a customer representative, please let us put you on hold for 25 minutes with some mind-numbing background music.

• These options will repeat. In Spanish, Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, etc. etc. etc.

Dios mio! God help us all!