Jekyll or Hyde?

I believe most of us don’t love conflict, but let’s face it—that’s the price we pay for a human incarnation. Lately, I’ve been battling those who are making my life miserable by their refusal to see me, to know me, to understand me, to help me, to listen to my side of the story, to figure out how to come to some kind of accord and restore harmony to our relationship. They’re making me miserable and don’t care, take no responsibility for the consequences of their actions and pretend that not only is everything fine, but better than it has ever been.

Of course, I’m talking about machines.

The PaymentWorks way to receive payment that didn’t. The Ghana Embassy Visa Application that replaced their simple one-page form with the 12 Gates to the City. And when one door was locked, another four gates to figure out how to get help from an invisible human being in a chat who also couldn’t figure out what happened. The Orbitz flight deal that got lost and never re-appeared again. 

And then there’s the speed and “efficiency” of texts and e-mails and such that allow us to hide behind screens and invite our worst selves to the table. At one extreme, the constant flaming that my daughter has to cope with in her Medium.com publishing world for daring to express her experiences in a patriarchal, systemically racist culture. But also our upstairs neighbors who we always have respectful and fruitful conversations with when discussing the details of sharing our two-flat condo and the decisions that must be made— painting the house, landscaping the yard, sharing the garage. But whenever they send a text, there’s a snarky undercurrent that’s a drag to read.

Likewise, the little e-mails the Middle School Head where I co-teach as a mentor sends to both me and the music teacher. Short passive-aggressive insinuations from his conversation with a confused 11-year old kid who he listens to as if that’s the whole story without consulting us as to what really happened. Like the kid who complained to him that I taught a song about “retards” when I mentioned that there’s a ritardando at the end of the piece we are playing. And the head expressing that “he was concerned about the incident.” I’ve been trying to set up a meeting with him for almost two years that keeps getting deflected. Finally, he came in person to talk to the music teacher and I about another incident and after a five-minute conversation where we got to clarify what really happens in our class and he got to express more clearly his concerns, I felt, “That was a reasonable discussion and he seems like a nice enough guy who genuinely cares about the kids.” Face-to-face, he and my neighbors are decent and reasonable people, but hiding behind their screens, Mr. Hyde wins out over Dr. Jekyll. 

Marshal McCluhan said it over a half-century ago: “The medium is the message.” Giving up both the pleasure and power of human relationship in working out the details of life in this world and giving it all over to machines (don’t get me started on driverless cars and ChatGPT!) is proving to be a bad idea. It has been said that “no labor saving device ever saved anyone any labor” and there’s much truth in that (washing machines and dryers two exceptions I can think of). The hours I’ve spent trying to navigate through broken systems, not to mention the stress and anxiety, is a high-price to pay for so-called efficiency. Being able to call a number, get a knowledgeable and helpful human being right away who can either directly answer my question or refer me to someone who can, is a thousand times more efficient that the 10-step “If you’re calling about this, press 1. If you’re calling about that, press 2. If you’re calling about the other thing, press 3. If you’re calling about something that’s not on the list, well, good luck with that. This message will repeat.” All the while, me screaming “AGENT!AGENT!!” into the phone.

Many years back, when my school’s admin was taking the first sip of Kool-Aid shifting from the relationship model we had enjoyed to the system model, they presented a diagram that looked like a giant pinball machine. If you have a concern about this, then that goes to this committee, who then forward it to that committee, make a suggestion, bring that suggestion to the other committee, who will then present it to the group to discuss and vote on and then the Head will decide regardless of all those steps. Everyone was looking so confused trying to follow it all and finally, one teacher just said:

“Can’t we just sit down and talk?”

Can’t we? Please?