The Children Are Waiting

“Everything within us, no matter how distressing, exists for a purpose; there is nothing that shouldn’t be there, troublesome and even debilitating though it may be.”

Now there’s a sentence to ponder, one of many gems from the book The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté. Made yet more clear by the next sentence:

“The question thus shifts from ‘How do I get rid of this?’ to “What is this for? Why is this here?’”

Both ancient and contemporary wisdom tells us that our gifts are always connected to our wounds. That considered from the right perspective, our traumas, big and small, are our teachers. That what happened or happens to us is less important than the stories we tell ourselves about our experience. 

For example, children in an emotionally stressful environment— including the children we all have been— often believe that (quoting Maté here) “when bad things happen—when life hurts them, when the environment is stressed, the parents unhappy or ill— it is because they are culpable, unworthy, defective.”

Did that happen for you? Mom and Dad are fighting and you think it’s your fault? Why would this be? Again, Maté offers profound insight:

“…this belief has a protective function. When a young person’s universe is in turmoil, there are two working theories the child could adopt. One is that her little world is terribly awry and misshapen, her parents incapable or unwilling to love and care. In other words, she is unsafe.

The other, which wins out virtually every time, is that she—the child— is flawed. …Acknowledging that those on whom she depends are incapable of meeting her needs would be a devastating blow to a young person. Thus self-blame, like guilting, is an unflagging protector. Believing that the deficiency is ours gives us at least a modicum of agency and hope; maybe if we just work hard enough, we can earn the love and care we need.”

A brilliant insight into the working of this necessary short-term strategy. But in the end, it cripples us as we take on blame, shame and guilt that accompanies us into our adult life, none of which was actually our doing. I think of that scene in Good Will Hunting where the therapist tells Will, “It’s not your fault,” releasing him from the burden he carried. 

The healing antidote for children is that when they feel sad, angry, unhappy, confused, bewildered, lonely, bullied, they need an adult to talk to. An actual adult, not another whimpering, repressed, or angry child in a big body, but an adult who can listen and reassure the child that though sometimes those we love have trouble taking care of us the way we deserve, there are still others who, to quote Mr. Rogers, “love you just the way you are.” And the healing antidote for us adults is to talk to (Maté again) “our all-star team of inner friends—Guilt, Self-Hatred, Suppression, Denial and the rest who came aboard to keep us (temporarily) safe” and thank them for their service and send them on their way. They are no longer needed.

There is a lot to unpack here. I think of all the children in schools feeling that the adults on who they depend are incapable of keeping them safe— safe from shaming, from bullying, from machine addiction, all the way to mass shooting. How does this dynamic impact them? Are they feeling that it’s their fault? When they see the models of politicians in office pledged to care for the common good insulting their citizens and each other, cheating to win, shamelessly flaunting the laws that they’re hired to uphold, how does this affect their tender little psyches? When even kids in the most progressive schools find adults who pander to their most infantile impulses in the name of “understanding,” might they be terrified to think that they’re in charge and the adults have no clue?

This is a lot to take in on a beautiful Wednesday morning in San Francisco. But with the kids back in school, we adults need to take this seriously and re-commit to being the kind of adults worthy of protecting, nurturing and loving our children. Where we fall short, it’s not entirely our fault (see all of the above). But that is not an excuse, it’s an invitation. As adults, it is our choice to claim our power to heal, to use our agency to do the work of becoming who we are meant to be. Refuse it at the world’s peril.

The children are waiting.