Pre-Teen User Model

 Rarely have adults made so much fuss about a 12-year old’s birthday! But having posted two entries on the subject, I’ll share one more, written by daughter, the birthday girl’s Mom.  It is so satisfying to feel my daughter and I both as writers (and my other daughter as well, when she has a moment free from teaching) so exactly on the same page with our perceptions, our concerns, our values. But not our styles. Though I could be jealous that for my money, she is the more artful writer, I’m not in the least. My predominate emotion around her writing, after the smiles and “a-has!” and “ Yes’s!” is frustration that the publishing industry hasn’t swooped her up and included her in the Anne Lamott/ David Sedaris genre. Anyone out  there care to be the one who “discovered” a bright new talent?” if you need convincing, read on:

A User Manual For Your New Pre-Teen

By Kerala Taylor (published on Medium.com and Substack)

Please remember, there are no refunds or exchanges

Congratulations on your decision to upgrade from a cuddly Child to a prickly Pre-Teen! If you don’t remember making this decision, that’s because your Child has been recalled, and we are sending you this mandatory upgrade free of charge.

Don’t forget to register your Pre-Teen to access maintenance tips, video demos, and a 24/7 scream hotline designed to help you vent your frustrations. In the meantime, please take a few moments to read this manual and get acquainted with your Pre-Teen to ensure the best performance.

Be advised: Results may vary.

Assembling Your Pre-Teen

Your Pre-Teen is fully assembled, but some parts may appear to be malfunctioning. This is normal. A Pre-Teen is not designed to be fully functional. Though a full wardrobe is included with your Pre-Teen, items in it will frequently disappear, develop mysterious stains, or be found wadded up in the back of the closet reeking of mildew.

Programming your Pre-Teen

Your Pre-Teen has two settings: HOT and COLD. Pre-Teen guardians are unable to control which mode may be activated at any given time. Signs that your Pre-Teen is in COLD mode include frequent eye-rolling, sensitivity to human touch, and a proclivity to recline on couches or beds while staring listlessly at the ceiling.

Signs that your Pre-Teen is in HOT mode include dramatic gestures, exasperated groans, and excessive references to things and people “sucking.” Your Pre-Teen may toggle between HOT and COLD modes multiple times in the course of a single hour. If your Pre-Teen gets stuck in HOT mode, they are at high risk of entering the DANGER ZONE. (See Important Safety Instructions below.) Proceed with caution.

Cleaning Your Pre-Teen

Your Pre-Teen is designed to be self-cleaning, but many guardians report that their Pre-Teen still frequently smells. Pre-Teens are highly sensitive and guardians should not, under any circumstances, draw attention to any unpleasant odors that may be detected. Unwanted comments may cause your Pre-Teen to enter the DANGER ZONE. (See Important Safety Instructions below.) Proceed with caution.

Care and Upkeep of Your Pre-Teen

Proper Pre-Teen care consists of four essential elements: 1) positive affirmations, 2) validation, 3) space, and 4) breakfast cereal. It is important to keep an abundant supply of breakfast cereal on hand at all times, as some Pre-Teen models may require up to one box per day. A shortage of breakfast cereal may cause your Pre-Teen to enter the DANGER ZONE. (See Important Safety Instructions below.) Proceed with caution.

Important Safety Instructions

It is recommended that guardians agree on a safe word designed to help warn one another when a Pre-Teen is approaching the DANGER ZONE. Signs that your Pre-Teen is approaching the DANGER ZONE include theatrical proclamation-making, extravagant foot-stomping, and unnecessary door-slamming. While in the DANGER ZONE, your Pre-Teen may repeatedly express a desire to have never been born.

In the event that your Pre-Teen reaches the DANGER ZONE, place them immediately in a quiet room and close the door to prevent short-circuiting.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I upgrade my Pre-Teen?
The next model in our series is the Teen, and we believe it is in your best interest to wait until the upgrade becomes mandatory.

Is my Pre-Teen under warranty?
No. Your Pre-Teen cannot be repaired or replaced.

What if my Pre-Teen has a manufacturer’s defect?
Guardians must take full responsibility for any defects detected in their Pre-Teens.

How can I provide feedback?
If you have any feedback you’d like to provide about your Pre-Teen, please keep it to yourself. Pre-Teens are impervious to your input.

Again, congratulations on joining the millions of guardians around the world who have welcomed a Pre-Teen into their home! Guardians unanimously report that their Pre-Teen is “life-changing” and there is “never a dull moment.”

On behalf of our entire team, we wish you the best of luck. You are going to need it.