106

Dear Dad,

 

Today is your 106^th “heavenly birthday” and here I still am, remembering it, thinking of you and wanting to talk with you. 17 years now since I could talk in person and it’s far beyond my limited imagination to understand what form the you that was is in now, if any. I wonder if these words and remembrances make any ripple in the cosmos that you can feel and hear. But whether or not, it’s good for me to take some time to feel you by my side. 

 

Yesterday was Zadie’s 13^th birthday—officially a teenager! Also Karen’s Dad Ted’s 100^th “heavenly birthday.” Next week, Talia turns 40 (!) and Ian 41. And so here on earth, the calendar pages keep turning and years pile up. And your great-grandchildren keep growing in size and numbers— Zadie and Malik 13 and 9, Ian’s kids Ezra and Camille 9 and 5, Kyle’s son Gwydion over a year (with various step-kids) and Damion’s son Rocco just under a year. No children from Talia yet, but she does have the most wonderful boyfriend Matt and who knows, perhaps marriage and a kid are on the horizon.  At the same time, Kerala’s marriage dissolving and a lot of sadness there, but she did all she could to make it work and divorce feels like the healthiest solution. Karen and I just celebrated our 45^th wedding anniversary and 50^th anniversary since we got together. Somehow we’ve stuck together through all the challenges of two very different souls making a household together. 

 

I’d like to think you somehow know all this, so no need to list all my news. On the outside, I’m doing everything I can to share a vision that has never wavered and indeed, has grown larger, stronger, more clear. Articles, books, this blog, a new podcast, the film, recordings, performances, workshops, guest classes, gatherings, talks—I'm doing what I can. This week I’m subbing at ye ole San Francisco School and such a pleasure to walk down those same halls again, slightly changed but still recognizable and work with the children of some of the kids I taught. 

 

The news on the national front could not be worse. I can’t even bear to give you the details, but amidst all the joy and blessings of my personal life, the dark cloud of what never should have been is omnipresent, swirling like a toxic poisonous gas into all corners of our personal and collective psyches. A feeling akin to the ’89 earthquake, that sense of the solid sense of ground which I always counted on as solid and dependable has ruptured and cracked. God help us every one. Of course, the old notion of God watching over us either shows that he’s asleep at the wheel or really is a vindictive, wrathful s.o.b. who rewards the evil-doers and hurts the innocent. 

 

But back to you. I spent some time going through old letters and cards I have stored in the basement and though it was never easy for you to tell me face-to-face how you loved me, preferring to hide behind the joking, “You’re no good, you never were any good and you’ll never be any good,” I knew it was tongue-in-cheek. But not always! Reading these various cards and letters, you did find a way to let me know that you indeed were on my team and if I can claim any sense of love’s tonic blessings and my confidence that I belonged here on this earth and was worthy of love, I have you and Mom to thank for that. I couldn’t find the particular one I was looking for from my recent excavations, but here’s an example from my 29^th birthday. (Note your affirmation of Karen!)

 

Thanks, Dad, and I hope it gives you some comfort and satisfaction that your legacy lives on in the Goodkin/Matthews family and that all of us have worked hard to earn the title of “decent human being”— and succeeded. Of course, I can't wholly claim an unblemished character, an unrelenting loving nature, a dependable talent, a 100% tolerance and an unswerving loyalty to family, but I indeed have valued all of them and done my best to live them. That you saw that and said that means the world to me.

Happy birthday from your still-loving son,

Doug