Hit the Damn Ball!!

One of the most excruciating film clips I’ve ever seen was a W.C. Fields short called The Golf Specialist. At some point in the film, he offers to teach a woman how to play golf and steps up to the tee to demonstrate the proper technique. He wiggles his hips, checks his grip and gets ready to swing, but everytime he is about to swing, something happens. The ball falls of the tee, his caddy’s squeaky shoes distract him, the wind blows papers around him, he steps into a pie his caddy has brought him. Time and again, just as he is about to hit it, he doesn’t. 

 

The tension that creates is unbearable. You expect one thing to happen— he hits the ball— and it never does. When I first saw this, I felt the stress and strain of unfulfilled expectations mounting and I was right on the verge of jumping up in my seat and yelling, “JUST HIT THE DAMN BALL!!” when something happens and the film ends. (Hint: He never does hit the ball!)

 

Today walking through Ueno Park with Zadie, I relived this torture. I had hoped to stumble into a Setsubun Festival and lo and behold, we saw a crowd gathered in front of a Shinto Shrine with dignitaries up on a stage looking like something was clearly going to happen. So we waited patiently, watching them move tortoise-like from one area to another, get their picture taken, then a new group comes in, and then another and then another. Chairs are moved, sat in and taken away. People cross from one side of the shrine to the other to discuss something with someone and then back again. I kept expecting some ritual performance to begin at any minute and it kept teasing me— “Not yet. Let me adjust my collar here.” 

 

Finally, after 45 minutes, I hear 3 beats of a drum and snap to attention. “Now they’re ready!” Nope. More fussing and bowing and adjusting this or that and finally, a woman speaks into a microphone Everyone in the crowd bows their heads while the Shinto priestess and priest apparently are doing some ritual gestures inside of the shrine. She speaks again and all unbow. This happens three times and the third time, our heads are bowed for 10 minutes! Not a happy position for the human body. Off to the side, I see some kids waiting for their part to play.

 

By my side is my teenage granddaughter, who from the beginning asked to leave because she was tired, and kudos to her, she put up with it as long as I did! Finally, we slipped away, but I felt cheated that we had never seen the ritual ball hit. So we walked away for five minutes and came back in hopes that now things were in full motion. Not a chance. For all I know, they’re all standing there still one hour later. And just like the W.C. Fields movie, the extreme tension between expecting something to happen and nothing happening was unbearable. I’ve paid my dues with the slowness of Zen ceremonies, but I know at the beginning what to expect and how long to expect it. This was something different.

 

And because of this extraordinary moment in my country’s history, every little story has a parallel political metaphor. From the Muller Report to the Epstein File and some 30-50 opportunities to remove/jail the monster, the cumulative effect of thinking “Now it will happen!” and then nothing does, makes so many of us want to stand up and scream, “HIT THE DAMN BALL!!”

The long-term effect on our psyches is anyone’s guess, but if you want a condensed version, so watch The Golf Specialist.