Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lawnmower Reform


Everybody’s talking about big issues like climate change and world terrorism and overpopulation while a real danger is being consistently ignored. Yes, I’m talking about lawnmower reform. The lawnmower manufacturers are doing their best to hide this startling fact from you—every year, some 69 people are killed by their lawnmowers. So next time your spouse nags you to get off the damn couch and mow the lawn, you might respond, “Honey, I’d be happy to do that. But first I think we should check our life insurance policies.”

Turns out that lawnmowers are just the tip of the iceberg. Another lurking danger is the height of beds. If only we kept up the college practice of mattresses on the floor, we could have saved 737 lives a year!! But I bet they don’t tell you that when you buy your new bed.

It goes on. You think buses are an essential part of a healthy and environmentally friendly transit system, but if you don’t watch out, you could be one of the 264 people each year mowed down by one. And do you also know who’s 10 times more likely to kill you with a gun than an Islamic jihadist immigrant? Yep, you got it. Toddlers.

These statistics came my way as a way to frame the always-current issue of mass shootings. The average American is primed to be afraid of Islamic jihadist immigrants, but if you think the toddler percentage of murder is alarming, I hope you are astounded by this fact:

The chances of being randomly murdered in a school, shopping mall, movie theater, dance club by a white Christian American male born in this country is over 5,000 times more likely than a jihadist. Say that number again. 5000 times. Or say this one: 11, 737. That's the number of Americans killed each year by their fellow Americans.

No Mexican wall, no protecting the NRA by politicians funded by them, no sloppy thinking equating the right to hunt with a gun with unlimited access to assault weapons, will make you one iota safer.

It really is time to wake up. Really. 

And don't forget to check your lawnmower.







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