Deep Bows

I’ve lived my entire life under the assumption that I will never receive unearned respect. Nobody that I’m aware of  has paid me respect for my titled position nor my status as an elder nor my standing as a teacher of children. And I’m okay with that. Indeed, I have done my share to dismantle the notion of commanding respect when you haven’t necessarily done anything worthy of respect. 

I’ve been just fine that the kids at school called me Doug for over four decades. Except for the playful game where the 8^th graders address me once at the beginning of each class as “Mr. Goodkin,” nobody has actually called me Mr. Goodkin my entire adult life. When my daughter’s East Coast college friends met me and called me Mr. Goodkin, I was so shocked that I immediately made a joke of it and ask them to call me Lord Douglas. Which they did the rest of the visit.

And yet. I’m also painfully aware of the many times that the things I’ve done that are worthy of respect goes unnoticed by school administrators 20 or 30 years my junior. That younger colleagues in my profession feel free to ignore their debt to me as their teacher in a number of different ways. That my own granddaughter once told me to Shut-up in a fit of anger (and yes, I did remind her where the line was that she crossed). On one hand, I can say, “Well, isn’t that good that they’re asserting themselves and pushing back against authority?”  but when I think about the relationship between kids and adults in Ghana, reflect on the dynamic between younger and older jazz musicians, notice what's going on here in Thailand, I’m wondering if I’ve missed out on something important. Or worse yet, contributed to the culture of dubious respect.

Each day in Thailand is filled with bows— bows of greeting, bows of farewell, bows of gratitude— and isn’t that a lovely thing. Going out to dinner with my hosts here— all of whom have been my Orff students and tend to be 20 to 40 years younger—one of them has her 4-year old daughter with her. Such a delightful presence and smile in that little one and there is some serious flirting going on between us, though we’re both frustrated that we can’t speak each other’s language. She needed help getting out of the big van and I offered my hand to help her down. Without a second’s hesitation, she reached the ground and gave me a bow of thanks. Given the me-centered socially-clueless vibe of so many 4-year olds I have known, this was simply stunning and beautiful. At dinner, one of my host students spontaneously presented me with a jasmine flower wreath (see photo below) and explained that this is an offering to those revered in their culture— elders, parents, teachers. I gratefully and humbly accepted it.

And most powerful of all was finishing the first day with 42 Thai teachers yesterday and one of my hosts explaining that they had a little ritual to honor me. There was a short incantation and then 42 lovely people prostrated themselves on the floor in a deep bow to express the ultimate appreciation for what I had given and what they received. One could get spoiled!

But trust me here. This is not about ego-stroking. It’s a combination of a deep cultural “unearned” respect for simply being both an elder and a teacher joined with a deep earned respect for having passed on something of value with my own praises and blessings for who they are and who they yet might become. I made the terrible mistake of watching a little footage of Trump’s Waco hate-fest and just couldn’t stomach looking at those brainwashed people attending with their lowest form of human gratitude and appreciation for fellow human beings. The contrast was staggering. But the toxins are also present in the progressive school world and in leftist rhetoric and of course, in my own psyche in (hopefully) small doses. 

Thailand is not paradise—no place is— and closer investigation would certainly reveal the shadow side of non-stop surface respect. But hey, I’m here to testify that such respect feels pretty damn good and my growing cohort of Thai friends are among the most intelligent, humorous, good-spirited, happy people I know. Something is working here and I like it. Might we educate our children to this?