The New Pearly Gates

St. Peter: Welcome to your new home! 

 

Me: Happy to be here. Thanks for noticing that teaching music to kids was a heaven-worthy profession.

 

St. Peter: Right. Now let’s get you checked in. Do you have your Real ID?

 

Me: No, I had a problem because my passport was at the Ghana Embassy when I renewed my driver’s license and they wouldn’t accept a copy of my birth certificate. 

 

St. Peter: Okay, well, you won’t be driving up here, but we will need a copy of your death certificate and it must be notarized.

 

Me: What? No one told me that. And I wasn’t able to take my death certificate to the notary, for obvious reasons. 

 

St. Peter: We’ll also need a live scan copy of your former fingerprints to make sure we didn’t make a mistake admitting you. I’ll be giving you a link to download the Sexual Harassment and Angel Abuse training that’s required and you’ll need to create a password and then enter your Apple ID Code to get access to the training. 

 

While all of that is booting up, sit down and read this 100-page Heavenly Handbook so you’re clear on all rules, regulations and procedures. If you prefer, you can attend the 6- hour Power-Point Seminar covering the same information. 

 

Just so you’re aware, housing is a bit tight as i-Cloud has bought up most of the prime real estate, so things might not be quite as comfortable as you imagined. If your eternal accommodations are unsatisfactory, you can choose the reincarnation option, but your preferred race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, class and political party will be at the discretion of our Karma Committee and you must schedule a hearing far in advance.

 

Any questions?

 

Me: Is the other place as complicated as this?

 

St. Peter: No, they’ll take anyone. Just walk straight through the burning gates.

 

Me: Sign me up!