Adult

“We are now living in a culture run by half-adults…People of all ages are making decisions to avoid the difficulties of maturity. …The new sibling society prizes a state of half-adulthood, in which repression, discipline and the Indo-European, Islamic, Hebraic impulse-control system are jettisoned. The parents regress to become more like children, and the children, through abandonment, are forced to become adults too soon and never quite make it.”

 

Before returning Robert Bly’s thought-provoking The Sibling Society to the shelves, take a moment with me to consider the above. Written in 1996, Bly’s fraction is probably reduced to 1/4 adults, 1/8 or less. When an ex-President throws tantrums typical of two-year olds, bullies both his enemies and “friends” like a pre-teen tough guy, when someone clearly involved in drunken sexual abuse as a young man shows no remorse or accountability and gets placed on the Supreme Court because he likes beer, when a compulsive liar refuses all accountability for his documented lies and keeps serving in Congress until finally, finally, getting expelled, one can only conclude that we are in deep trouble. The inmates are indeed running the asylum.

 

The first step, which Bly took 30 years ago, is to give a name to the particular syndrome we’re caught in. It’s good for exactly no one when people in grown bodies are emotionally arrested in their 2, 12, or 22-year old selves. And yet more dangerous when they’re put in charge of things. 

 

The second step, the one we need to figure out, is what it actually means to be an adult and how we might re-organize both ourselves and our culture to get there. (While writing this, I saw a clip of a woman comedienne complaining that when it came to men, she was promised cookies and keeps getting cookie dough. The men she meets might be 37 years old and still not baked!) This is both a collective and individual question and a good homework assignment for us all. What does it mean to be an adult? (For those interested, Bly gives his answer on p. 238 of his book). Here’s my first-draft version: 

 

Artistic

Democratic

Understanding

Life-Affirming

Truth-telling

 

Artistic, meaning finding an outlet for self-expression that gives an extra boost of beauty to the world and satisfaction to a life. Virtually every woman I know over 60 is involved in some kind of visual art or craft—sketching, painting, knitting. Most of my peers—men and women— are throwing pots, making metal sculptures, woodworking, singing in choirs, reading and writing poetry, cooking artfully and more. It makes a difference. Without the capacity to create, we’re left merely consuming, immature creatures of desire who demand the shopping fixes that ultimately leave us empty inside. 

 

Democratic means that we develop the capacity to consider the needs and rights of others, that we can look beyond our own ideas and desires and consider the common good. From the small nuclear family to the large complex nation, we accept the responsibility of being a team player, listening to others, considering multiple points of view, informing ourselves as needed so we can make intelligent and wise decisions backed up by facts and figures. 

 

Understanding means making the commitment to dig below the surface, to “stand under” the world that we usually view from above and consciously enlarge our perspective. It means reading and writing and cultivating a habit of mature reflection. Not only understanding how the world works or systems of thought or religious belief, but understanding how we ourselves are put together and which voices deserve our attention. 

 

Life-affirming means thinking seven generations ahead in both our thoughts and action, protecting the sacredness of life in all its manifestations—protecting the rivers, the rainforests, the grasslands, the oceans, the diversity of species, the excluded, marginalized and overpowered groups of people, the children. To purposefully minimize the harm that our existence by definition will do and stand up against those who are shamelessly aligning themselves with destruction for their own personal power and profit. 

 

Truth-telling means fostering the courage to speak out when truth is called for—which is all the time. It also means telling the truth to oneself—that we are all mortal beings with a short time on this precious planet and that there is no time to be anything less than our best selves. 

 

People committed to each and all of the above seem to me to at least be on their way to a genuine adulthood. They’ve put themselves in the oven and turned on the heat to make their raw childhood cookie-dough potential into a delicious digestible adult cookie. (Though maybe not the best metaphor. Too many cookies is a childish fantasy— adulthood should be more nutritious as well as good tasting and include vegetables!)

 

Naturally, there’s more not contained in those starting letters—a-d-u-l-t.  My ideal adult is serious and mature but also playful and zany. Strong because vulnerable. Responsible because of a disciplined ability to respond appropriately to each situation. Navigating through life with a clear moral compass alongside an understanding of when to break the rules. Able to defer gratification but also understand the value of treating oneself to ice cream. 

 

What’s your notion of adulthood? Which part of it have you achieved and what still needs work and how are you going to get there? Don’t delay! Life is short and the children are waiting for us to grow up.