The Sticky Ball of Blame

Ask any teacher. Kids today are a mess. They’re rude and disrespectful to adults, mean and bullying to peers and either too full of themselves or too self-deprecating. They have no resilience, think the world revolves around them and are surprised that they’re expected to actually work hard in school. They want every lesson tailored precisely to their learning style or else they’ll complain and get their teachers fired. They don’t have an iota of knowledge about anything but what’s current on Tik-tok, no sense of or interest in history, no curiosity about things of high culture like jazz, literature, art, poetry. And these are the “good kids.”

 

More alarming are the growing statistics of childhood drug addiction, sexual abuse, depression, violence and suicide. Truly an epidemic that mostly passes without comment in the daily news. The innocence we used to associate with childhood has been replaced by a grown-up-too-fast  ongoing collective trauma and it ain’t pretty. As I said, kids are a mess.

 

I believe the statistics and am aware of the general change in the tone of kid’s culture, but I never, ever blame the kids. They are reflecting back exactly what we have given them and that’s what ain’t pretty. At the extreme end, we adults have failed to protect our children from gun violence in schools, quietly allowed the video-game makers and fast-food-franchises and vaping industry and electronic device corporations and more to willfully and knowingly addict our children to things that we know are harmful to their physical, emotional, social and mental health. And then slap a label of dysfunction on them and treat it with yet more dangerous drugs. In short, it's not the kids' fault. That sticky ball of blame rests wholly in the hands of us adults.

We are raising children so that they don't feel responsible for their own behavior, have no concept of helping out in the family with chores and such, believe that the world owes them everything without effort. We are short-circuiting the boredom that leads to creative breakthroughs by plugging them mindlessly into their personal devices so we adults get some rest and desperate to be their friend, are affirming that everything pop culture throws at them is cool and we think so too. No need to pull up your pants or stop spending oodles of money on designer sneakers or call attention to yourself by dying your hair pink instead of cultivating your actual character. We won’t let you sing “Oh Susannah” or “Jingle Bells” in school because we are oh, so woke, but sure, go ahead and enjoy the misogyny and hatred and violence rampant in so much (but not all) current music. 

 

So yes, the kids are a mess, but equally (if not more so), so are the adults raising them. But the child is the greater victim in this scenario. As described by Gabor Mate in his excellent book The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture  (p. 436-7):

“When a young person’s universe is in turmoil…there are two working theories the child could adopt. One is that her little world is terribly awry and misshapen, her parents incapable or unwilling to love and care. In other words, she is unsafe.

The other, which wins out virtually every time, is that she—the child—is flawed…Acknowledging that those on whom one depends are incapable of meeting your needs would be a devastating blow to a young person. Thus self-blame, like guilt, is an unflagging protector. Believing that the deficiency is ours gives us at least a modicum of agency and hope; maybe, if we just work hard enough, we can earn the love and care we need.”

Can you feel what a terrible burden that is to place on the fragile shoulders of a child? The bargain we adults make with the children we bring into the world is that we do our best to care for them, love them and protect them. If we fail at our job, the consequences are enormous and they rebound back to us in the behavior of children that we find baffling, disturbing and unhealthy. 

 

So one step towards healing is to step up to become an actual adult. One who gives children not what they think they want—the cool sneakers, new Nintendo game, dinner out at McDonalds and their own personal device to take into their room with the door closed— but what they actually need. The sense that we will not only speak up and stand up when they are threatened, but will also offer them the things that have always and will always bring happiness and healing— time out in nature, read-alouds from great literature at all development levels, the tools to express oneself eloquently with musical sounds, dance gestures, poetic words, vibrant images on a canvas and more, exposure to great artists from all cultures and walks of life, work at school worthy of their time, attention and effort. When you make the commitment and do the hard work to provide all of that and more for children, how do they respond?

 

Stay tuned for the next blogpost.