An Off-road Diversion in the American Odyssey Series
REPORTER CHRIS WALLACE: Sir, how do you respond to the fact that the U.S. now has the highest COVID mortality rate in the world?
POTUS: Actually we have the lowest mortality rate. (A Trumpublican brings him a piece of paper. He turns it around once and says, “See, here it is. Lowest mortality rate in the world.:”
In this moment, there is a flash of light and smoke and the Devil appears.
DEVIL: Okay, Mr. T., that’s enough. Usually I ask some questions that must be answered before I decide which way you’ll go when you die, but in your case, we already have your rooms reserved in the hottest part of Hell. The only question is which room you’ll get. And so you have to answer two questions and your only acceptable answer is a or b. Here we go:
a) Are you fully aware you’re lying through your teeth and purposely trying to dupe the American people to make you look good and throw your power around?
b) Are you actually incapable of distinguishing between a real fact and the one you want to be true to make you look good and throw your power around?
POTUS: Well, if you look at this piece of paper, you’ll see that I give the best answers. There is no one…
DEVIL: You’re not hearing me. A or B. Two choices only.
POTUS: Well, it’s a large alphabet, I mean America has the most letters of any country and we should use all of them…
DEVIL: I forgot to mention that there are actually three rooms waiting for you. If you answer “a,” you go to the room alongside all the people who supported you, excused you, justified you. You will also be visited by the children you caged, the women you slept with, the Americans you deported, the black folks your police killed, the people you fired, cheated, insulted, etc. etc. and etc. And visiting hours are 24/7.
If you answer “b,” you will go back to first grade in Hell’s Remedial School and the tests will be MUCH harder than the baby cognitive test you just took.
If you do your Roy Cohn tap dance and ignore the question, spin the question or otherwise refuse to answer, you will share a room with Roy and Giuliani and Newt and Rush and Rupert and Mitch and Lindsey and most of the FOX news staff. And there’s only one bed.
POTUS (throwing a tantrum): I want to go to the bunker!!!!
DEVIL: (sneezing in his face): No can do. And sorry you’re not wearing a mask because I just tested positive. See you soon!