A Modern Man

… is the name of a book of George Carlin’s monologues, a political comedian who we needed when he performed from the 1970’s until his death in 2008. And who is as relevant today— if not more so—as when he was then. Read this prophetic piece he performed over 30 years ago!

 

 I think the planet probably sees us a mild threat, something to be dealt with. And I’m sure it can defend itself in the manner of a large organism, the way a beehive or an ant colony would muster a defense. What might you be thinking if you were trying to defend yourself against this pesky, troublesome species?

 

Let’s see, what might I try? Hmm. Viruses might be good: these humans seem vulnerable. And viruses are tricky, always mutating and developing new strains when new medicines and vaccines are introduced. …

 

 I heard him perform this in a two-part documentary about his life (highly recommended, on Hulu) and almost fell off my chair. The man had his finger on the pulse of so much. Including how this country really works in our fantasy of the land of the free and the home of the brave, captured succinctly in his sentence 

 

“They call it the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” 

 

 His job was to wake us up. And he took it seriously, did his research, spoke forcefully and eloquently and with plenty of “bad words” — strong themes sometimes need strong language. He confessed that he couldn’t worry about offending anyone, on either side of the political spectrum, because then he would be flinching, taking a step back from the truth as he saw it.

 

And again, his monologues from way back then are so timely now, a depressing affirmation that we continue to sleep and let the big boys with money put us to sleep. His thoughts about abortion should be required re-reading. In a piece titled, Not Every Ejaculation Deserves a Name, he writes:

 

Conservatives are obsessed with fetuses from conception to nine months, but after that they have no interest in you. None. No day care, no Head Start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothin.’ If you’re preborn, you’re fine. If you’re preschool, you’re fucked.

 

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re  just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

 

Conservative aren’t pro-life, they’re anti-women. Simple. They’re afraid of women and they don’t like them. They believe a woman’s primary role is to be a brood mare for the State. If they think a fetus is more important than a woman, they should try getting a fetus to wash the stains out of their underwear. For no pay.

 

Another thought. Why is it when it’s a human being it’s called an abortion and when it’s a chicken it’s called an omelet. Are we so much better than chickens? When did that happen? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. See? No one can do it. Do you know why? Because chickens are decent people.

 

He goes on. Unvarnished, direct, no flinching, honest truth. And funny as hell. 

 

He wasn’t perfect. Had the usual American problems with drugs (cocaine) and alcohol and money that our celebrities inevitably encounter. But he stayed married his whole life, worked through much of his issues and tried to hold himself as accountable as the society he was critiquing. Like Kurt Vonnegut, he seemed to give up on the human species near the end of his life and who could blame him? I’m trying to imagine him alive during the Toddler-in -Chief years and their continued aftermath. I think it would have done him in. 

 

Meanwhile, I’ll end with a little piece after my own heart. Reading through the book, I’m finding him saying many of the same things I’ve said and written about, but with a delivery punch and a following far beyond my skills and my little world. But the other day, I was giving an online music workshop to some teachers in Vermont and in response to something they said about what was going on with their school admin, I blurted out, “Fuck that!!!” Not my usual demeanor in a professional workshop, but if we can reserve strong language for the level of outrage a certain response demands, why not? Like crying at funerals, no need to apologize. And I didn’t. Interesting that this was the day before I saw that documentary, but I felt George Carlin by my side saying, “Good for you!”

 

Here is a piece that I could have written, but he did instead. Enjoy!

 

 I have a plan for world peace. It’s simple. Twenty-four hour, nonstop, worldwide folk dancing, once a year. Each year, on a designated day, everyone in the world would stop what they were doing and dance for twenty-four hours.

 

Any kind of dancing you want. Square dance, minuet, grind, Peabody, cakewalk, mazurka, samba, mashed potato. Doesn’t matter. Just get out there and dance. Even hospital patients, shut-ins, people on life support.…

 

One good result, of course, would be that during the actual dancing, no fighting could take place. But the plan would also tend to reduce violence during the remainder of the year, because for six months following the dance, everyone would be talking about how much fun they had had, and for the six months after that, they would all be busy planning what to wear to next year’s dance.

 

 Shall we try it?