Odyssey Rap: Part III

He sent one to get some money, and one to gather honey,

Shook another out of sleep and made him kill two sheep.

Another dressed in silk had to go and get some milk.

A special job for Charley was to go and fetch some barley.

 

They offered these libations to the right and proper gods.

And up rose all the souls who had departed from their bods.

He saw his dear old mother, who had died while he was gone.

We saw some fellow soldiers , even Agamennenon.

But he could not speak a word to them ‘till Tiresias rose up

And drank the blood from those two sheep in his favorite golden cup.

 

He then sat down with Odi and they had a little chat.

Tiri telling Odi just exactly where it’s at.

“I’m sad to say, you’re on your way, but you can’t be low ridin’

Cruising down the waterway where lives the god Poseidon.

‘Cause you did something bad, you really made him mad,

You stuck a stick in his son’s eye, who then called up his Dad.”

‘Yo Dad’, the Cyclops bellowed, ‘Odysseus is your man.

Make his trip back home a bust and kill him if you can. ‘

 

“Now I’m a major prophet, you know I’m might wise.

If you wanta get home again, heed all of my advice.

The suitors will be in your house, drinking up your wine.

Whistling at your wife and shouting, ‘Damn! That woman’s fine!’

‘Yo, Pen,’ says one, ‘you’re lookin’ tired, what say we take a nap.’

“No way, ‘Pen, that dude’s ugly, Come sit here on my lap.’

“They’ll be eatin’ up your food, saying things so rude,

Making’ fun of your son, callin’ him a weak-assed dude.

So what you gotta do, I’ll whisper in your ear.

So those listenin’ to this tale can’t possibly hear.

 

CHORUS: 

Don’t dis the ‘Dys,’ he did what he could,

To sail his men home safely and get back to his hood.

He used his wits and courage, he acted like a man,

But Fate stepped in, to his chagrin, the gods had others plans.

 

Odysseus listened carefully, then bid farewell to Hades.

Went on back to Circe, where she warned him about some ladies.

Who’ll sing to him when they sail by with a song that’s so entrancin’

That he and all the crew can’t stop themselves from dancin’

And while they’re listenin’ in a trance to those melodic riffs,

They’ll lose control of all the ships and crash into the cliffs.

The Sirens will all stop and laugh and eat ambrosic foods

“Serves you right, you stupid men, we hate you gnarly dudes!”

 

So Odi called a meeting, gathered each and every man,

“We can get by the Sirens if you’ll listen to my plan.

I e-mailed my advisors and just got back this fax

The thing to do is sail on by with our ears stuffed with wax.

But if one man would like to hear what makes their singing cool

And causes all who hear them to whimper, pant and drool,

Then there’s one trick you can do that has worked well in the past.

Tie your fearless leader securely to the mast.

No matter how he begs and pleads for you to come untie him.

You must say no, no can do and stubbornly defy him.”

 

So when they reached the Sirens, they carried out their plan

Sailed right by with wax-filled ears, except for that one man

Tied to the mast, who screamed, “Let me go right now!

Or I’ll take you back to Circe and turn you into cows.”

For the singing drove him wild, with those tones so pure and sweet

(Though he thought they could sound better with a good hip-hop backbeat).

But the men just looked at him and said, “Dude, we cannot hear you!

And we’re just following orders, so we ain’t gonna fear you.”

 

And so the ships sailed calmly by, lined up two by twos,

The Sirens looking puzzled and openly confused.

“What’s happening to us, sisters? Have we lost our touch?

Those guys just sailed on by like they didn’t like us very much.”

“Our songs are too sweet,” said one, “like syrup or like sap.

The times they are a-changin’, we gotta learn to rap!”

 

CHORUS: 

Don’t dis the ‘Dys,’ he did what he could,

To sail his men home safely and get back to his hood.

He used his wits and courage, he acted like a man,

But Fate stepped in, to his chagrin, the gods had others plans.